On Love and Being a Parent

Until I had children I did not understand how special and unique the love is that parents can have for a child.  As strong as my love is for my children, I am still capable of being selfish and not always acting in their best interests.  Balancing my own selfish needs with the needs of my children is one of the most difficult parts of parenting.  It is equally difficult to balance my emotional needs with what is best developmentally for my kids.  When I am tired and have had a long day, I am not at my best as a parent.  In those moments their bad behavior, which is usually very developmentally typical, can cause me to respond in a way that is not very developmentally appropriate or helpful for them.  I am sure I am not the first parent to struggle in these areas.

I do wonder about parents who abandon their children or disown them for being LGBT.  Are these horrible unloving people who should be scorned by society (some days I think so) or are these folks who struggle with the same areas I do and have let their selfishness or some other issues like shame get in the way of their identity as a parent.  Each case is probably different, but I truly seek to understand how a parent could disown or abandon their child (note: putting a child up for adoption or living a part from a child due to parental separation is not abandoning, just walking away from your child's life without providing any support is abandoning).

A few times over the past couple years I have heard stories where physically healthy parents have taken their own life.  This seems impossible for me to understand on two levels.  First, anyone who has been trapped under water for even a moment knows how strong the survival instinct is in human beings.  Second, as a parent I cannot understand how you could do that to your children.  What I have come to believe is that depression must be one of the strongest forces on earth.  Any force that can diminish your survival instinct and override your commitment to your children is beyond my full comprehension.

I tell my children each day that I love them and make hugging and kissing them a priority.  I do this because it is impossible to protect your children from all danger, heartbreak, and pain.  You do your best and then just hope they avoid the worst of what the world has to offer.  In the end, the best you can do is fill your children with all the love and inner strength you can.  As biracial women in the United States of America it is likely my two daughters are going to face some unique challenges on top of the challenges others face.  I just hope my unconditional love will give them some additional strength to navigate the ups and downs that life will most certainly throw them.

My girls on the mini roller coaster at the Mall of America in May 2012.