Am I the Only Person Who Has Ever...

One of the hardest parts of feeling shame is the loneliness.  Not only do we feel that we are not worthy of acceptance because of what we have done, thought, felt, or experienced, but we often feel like we might be the only person we know who feels or has ever felt that way.  Shame has the ability to be terribly isolating because of the power of silence.  We feel if we share our shame people will not accept us or value us the same.  Our decision not to share with trusted people how we feel removes any chance of connecting with people around what hurts and worries us.  Sometimes we might be the only person we has experienced our shame, but I am guessing that is much more rare than we think and sharing our shame with someone we trust will help regardless.  One element I hope to achieve with this blog is to normalize the complexity of life.  We have all felt anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, regret, sadness, stress, and shame.  I am also guessing that more people than we know have felt these emotions about the same things we have.

Here is a short list of thoughts and feeling I have had before that I rarely or never shared with people at the time I had them.  The lack of sharing meant that instead of healthy feelings of doubt, guilt, and regret, I was often feeling a sense of shame, a lack of human connection and worthiness, and very alone.

Am I the only person who has ever wondered...

why am I not a better person
why can't I be a better parent
why my children behave more poorly than other children
why my relationship does not seem as happy or healthy as other people I know
why can't I find the right relationship
why are there some things I cannot get right
why can't I learn to eat healthier
why am I not happier at work
why does my family have so many problems
why do I not take better care of myself
why do I get so down on myself
why am I not better at my job
why am I not as happy as other people
why do I keep making the same mistakes
why do I not feel as smart as other people
why do I not feel as together as other people
why did I say something stupid
why did I do that (any and all the things you have done that you feel embarrassed about)
why do I keep my shame to myself

The other day someone teased me (in a friendly way) about how I like to help people by drawing connections between their difficult situations and the situations I have dealt with in the past.  I thought that was a very keen observation and absolutely true.  Life is filled with some many amazing ups and extremely difficult downs.  I think many or most of us keep those downs to ourselves and the silence results in us feeling shame.  That shame has a toxic ripple effect on our lives diminishing our confidence, making it difficult to make authentic connections with people, and preventing us from experiencing joy and happiness.  I feel if I can make a connection with someone around their difficulties they will not feel alone and might realize the next time trouble hits that they are again likely not alone in feeling that way.

Much of what I learned on this subject has come in the last 6 months from Brene Brown.  I have referenced her early and often in the blog, a trend that will likely continue.  If you have not gotten to know Dr. Brown, I strongly encourage you to watch her two Ted Talks and when you are done read her book The Gifts of Imperfection.  Earlier I posted her talk on vulnerability and below is her talk on shame: