I am currently reading/listening to the book Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman and have been struck by how little I knew about how the brain works (use link above to read the first couple chapters for free). Dr. Kahneman cites his own significant research along with countless studies by others in order to provide as full a picture as possible of the mind's inner workings
One of the most significant takeaways at this point is how easy the mind is able to make false assumptions and reach wrong conclusions. The part of our mind that can solve the math problem 2 + 2 without thinking also makes quick assumptions and judgements about people and daily experiences that are false. The ability to quickly know information without needing to stop and think is known as fast thinking. When the mind slows down, like the mental process needed to answer the math problem 17 x 24, we are better protected against making mistakes in thinking as our brain has a more systematic way of sorting through information.
What really throws us off is that most of our fast thinking is usually very accurate. We have learned through experience, observation, and repeated interactions countless bits of information that are true about the world. The summer it hot, the winter is cold, mosquito like to bite you, oil dripping from food can stain a shirt, etc. We do not need to stop and think of these facts and when they come up, we answer or experience them accurately all of the time.
The problem is that in the midst of all this accurate information are some falsehoods which we unknowingly understand and use as though they are facts. Growing up in this country we are exposed to so many influences like family, friends, media, schools, and religious institution and they have taught us, often unintentionally, false stereotypes about certain populations. That false information becomes cemented in our fast thinking as we grow up. Hopefully over time some or most of those stereotypes have been challenged by important institutions and people in our lives. Those challenges raise awareness about stereotypes in the slow thinking part of our minds. When we slow down, we are able to reject the stereotypes that the culture has taught us. If you do it long enough, it is possible that what starts off as slow thinking can transition to fast thinking with enough repetition, but there is no way to be certain if or when that transition actually takes place. This is why most people are very good when they try to not be sexist or racist, but when forced to think fast without any help of slow thinking we sometimes fall into applying old stereotypes. This can happen when we are exhausted and unable to slow down or when are caught in a fast moment (quickly noticing the age, race, or sex of the driver cutting you off in traffic).
The way fast and slow thinking works does not just explain this type of bias, but also the mistakes we make in our thinking at home, work, and in relationships. It explains why changing behaviors and habits is so difficult. Most of our regular behaviors exist in our fast thinking including what we like to eat, how much we like exercise, and the vices we fall into during stress. Our learned instinct (which is just fast thinking) is to just do what comes natural (which is not really natural, but has been learned to the point of seeming natural) like eating poorly and avoiding exercise. When we are in a place to engage in slow thinking we can make healthy choices, but that part of our thinking does not always engage and can become fatigued. In those moments, we fall back into our fast thinking patterns of unhealthy choices. As anyone who has tried to diet knows, it can take a long time for our slow thinking approach to replace our unhealthy fast thinking norms. This is also why the best opportunity for meaningful behavior change is to capitalize on an existing positive element within your fast thinking and try to apply it in a different way.
The key to managing the mental challenges presented by misleading fast thinking is having internal and external systems of accountability in place to prevent bias fast thinking from being our faulty reality. Internally, it is learning to slow down your thinking when needed and training yourself to track for bad assumptions and bias. This is much easier said than done and none of us will ever do this perfectly. Most ideal is having people in your life that can hold you accountable. Not from a place of judgement and shame, but from a place of care and compassion. Without people in our lives holding us accountable to the values and beliefs that exist within our slow thinking we are going to frequently undermine ourselves with fast thinking mistakes. Unfortunately, too many of us have received accountability in the past in the form of judgement and shame and are now defensive to the idea of anyone holding us accountable. We must find trusted people who we can empower to help us and try to live the example we want to receive from others.
Here is a fun and wonderful short clip about accountability from one of my favorite shows Curb Your Enthusiasm. The woman in the clip asked Larry at the beginning of the party to hold her accountable to her dietary plan (eating healthy) no matter what she wants to do later at the party. Larry checked to be clear about the level of accountability she wanted and she stated that she wanted to be prevented from eating unhealthy food "no matter what." This is probably not a healthy example of having someone hold you accountable, but it is fun to watch anyway.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
When a Supervisor Fails to Meet Your Needs
I know this is hard to believe, but not everyone has an amazing boss and even amazing bosses are flawed in some way. When supervisors do not match our expectations for the role they have assumed it is easy to be dismissive and self righteous about their short comings. This only increases when these individuals seem disengaged, ineffective, or even incompetent. There is nothing worse that working for a horrible boss. No amount of money is enough to make it worth it and when you have had a horrible boss you are willing to do and take less if it means you will be treated with care, dignity, purpose, and respect. If you have a horrible boss, get out and get out as fast as you can.
Most people I know do not work for a horrible boss, but they do work for a good person who is not great at managing people. It is easy to see how this happens. Early in the career of new employees, employers often put a great deal of time into orienting, training, and supervising those coming into their organization. As people start to be promoted or are hired for mid and high level positions, the assumption is that they have many things figured out and the top of that list is supervision. Unfortunately, this is often not the case.
Your ability obtain a position of higher status does not mean that you "get" every aspect of that position. New managers will be trained on computer software and systems, introduced to organizational policies, and given a manual, but supervision and management training is often assumed to be unneeded. As a result, people are often performing high level positions with low level competence and training around the managing of staff. While some management lessons are certain to be learned on the fly by experience, it is just as easy for managers to fall into a trap of assuming their ineffective ways must be working or else they would not have their position.
One of the most common frustrations I have seen are bosses who do not know or understand what their employee's do. The only time the employee is noticed is when something surprises the manager or goes wrong. The self righteous response to this situation would be to say it is the bosses job to know what their employees are doing and if they do not, that is on them. That is factually correct, but unfortunately being right does not get people anywhere. The better response would be to tell your boss what you are doing as often as you can, even if they do not ask. Find ways to make sure your work, especially your best work, comes up in conversation and is made aware to your supervisor. Supervisors who do not notice your work are usually equally bad at sharing your worth with others in the organization. This is another function you can take into your own hands. Learning to authentically tell your story at opportune moments is critical to developing a professional reputation. Most of us have some job responsibilities that will not speak for themselves even if we do them exceptionally well, and without a supervisor to notice and promote your success, you must take this task on yourself.
Defiant self righteousness is a pretty common response to a boss who is not meeting our expectations. Those feelings are usually justified by countless examples of supervisors falling short. Unfortunately, this moral superiority does not actually make you feel better or help your situation. You have every right to be frustrated by this type of situation and to consider it unfair, but sitting in that place will only punish you and possibility hurt your standing further. Employees whose work goes unnoticed and are perceived unhappy are not generally considered assets to their organization, even when that unhappiness is justified and the work being done is exceptional.
The broader lesson here is that when you have a need that is going unmet by your supervisor you should take on the responsibility of meeting that need yourself by finding alternative ways to get it fulfilled. You will probably still feel as though you deserve more from your supervisor, but at least you will be getting closer to what you need and help yourself be more successful.
Most people I know do not work for a horrible boss, but they do work for a good person who is not great at managing people. It is easy to see how this happens. Early in the career of new employees, employers often put a great deal of time into orienting, training, and supervising those coming into their organization. As people start to be promoted or are hired for mid and high level positions, the assumption is that they have many things figured out and the top of that list is supervision. Unfortunately, this is often not the case.
Your ability obtain a position of higher status does not mean that you "get" every aspect of that position. New managers will be trained on computer software and systems, introduced to organizational policies, and given a manual, but supervision and management training is often assumed to be unneeded. As a result, people are often performing high level positions with low level competence and training around the managing of staff. While some management lessons are certain to be learned on the fly by experience, it is just as easy for managers to fall into a trap of assuming their ineffective ways must be working or else they would not have their position.
One of the most common frustrations I have seen are bosses who do not know or understand what their employee's do. The only time the employee is noticed is when something surprises the manager or goes wrong. The self righteous response to this situation would be to say it is the bosses job to know what their employees are doing and if they do not, that is on them. That is factually correct, but unfortunately being right does not get people anywhere. The better response would be to tell your boss what you are doing as often as you can, even if they do not ask. Find ways to make sure your work, especially your best work, comes up in conversation and is made aware to your supervisor. Supervisors who do not notice your work are usually equally bad at sharing your worth with others in the organization. This is another function you can take into your own hands. Learning to authentically tell your story at opportune moments is critical to developing a professional reputation. Most of us have some job responsibilities that will not speak for themselves even if we do them exceptionally well, and without a supervisor to notice and promote your success, you must take this task on yourself.
Defiant self righteousness is a pretty common response to a boss who is not meeting our expectations. Those feelings are usually justified by countless examples of supervisors falling short. Unfortunately, this moral superiority does not actually make you feel better or help your situation. You have every right to be frustrated by this type of situation and to consider it unfair, but sitting in that place will only punish you and possibility hurt your standing further. Employees whose work goes unnoticed and are perceived unhappy are not generally considered assets to their organization, even when that unhappiness is justified and the work being done is exceptional.
The broader lesson here is that when you have a need that is going unmet by your supervisor you should take on the responsibility of meeting that need yourself by finding alternative ways to get it fulfilled. You will probably still feel as though you deserve more from your supervisor, but at least you will be getting closer to what you need and help yourself be more successful.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Working Not To Fail vs. Seeking Excellence
As I noted in one of my first posts here, this blog is about seeking excellence in all areas of our lives. I firmly believe that if you want to achieve excellence in your work you must focus on maximizing your talents, be willing to take calculated risks, put in the time and effort needed to learn as much as you can, and not get stuck chasing perfection or being obsessed with the possibility of failure.
If you work with a primary focus of avoiding failure, you will never reach excellence. Your best case scenario for success when trying to avoid failure is not screwing up too much or too badly. You will still make mistakes and they will likely be done in an effort to do something unimpressive or unimportant. You will successfully be nearly flawless at being average or mediocre.
There are some employers and supervisor who do not want excellence from their employees. They want people to be as mistake free as possible in executing the limited and specific functions of their work. I think there some occupations where this makes sense, but I am not sure it fully takes advantage of the contributions and talents of each employee.
I have come to understand that there is an important footnote to this excellence seeking philosophical approach. Failure is measured differently depending on who you are. As a white male, if I fail the odds that I will be given a second, third, and fourth chance are high. When a woman or person of color fails in the workplace, they can not trust that this will be true and often have personal evidence to back up this feeling. For all of the pride people have about the progress made around gender and race (as well as other identities), much of which is warranted, the differences in experiences in these areas is still significant. For individuals with certain identities, in order to succeed, a higher premium must be placed on the avoidance of failure, but if that approach becomes the driving force behind their work, then excellence will likely be out of reach. Unfortunately, any increased focus on avoiding failure likely limits the full contributions of those individuals and sets up the need to work longer and harder than others to try and achieve excellence.
In coaching people looking for work I strongly encourage them to consider the work culture and supervisory approach to excellence, mistakes, and risk taking. A good organization and supervisor can help mitigate the legitimate cultural concern of failure that weigh down some people and give them the space to work from a perspective of seeking excellence. In this type of environment both the employee and organization have the opportunity to thrive and mutually benefit each other. That is the type of work experience everyone deserves and should be looking for.
If you work with a primary focus of avoiding failure, you will never reach excellence. Your best case scenario for success when trying to avoid failure is not screwing up too much or too badly. You will still make mistakes and they will likely be done in an effort to do something unimpressive or unimportant. You will successfully be nearly flawless at being average or mediocre.
There are some employers and supervisor who do not want excellence from their employees. They want people to be as mistake free as possible in executing the limited and specific functions of their work. I think there some occupations where this makes sense, but I am not sure it fully takes advantage of the contributions and talents of each employee.
I have come to understand that there is an important footnote to this excellence seeking philosophical approach. Failure is measured differently depending on who you are. As a white male, if I fail the odds that I will be given a second, third, and fourth chance are high. When a woman or person of color fails in the workplace, they can not trust that this will be true and often have personal evidence to back up this feeling. For all of the pride people have about the progress made around gender and race (as well as other identities), much of which is warranted, the differences in experiences in these areas is still significant. For individuals with certain identities, in order to succeed, a higher premium must be placed on the avoidance of failure, but if that approach becomes the driving force behind their work, then excellence will likely be out of reach. Unfortunately, any increased focus on avoiding failure likely limits the full contributions of those individuals and sets up the need to work longer and harder than others to try and achieve excellence.
In coaching people looking for work I strongly encourage them to consider the work culture and supervisory approach to excellence, mistakes, and risk taking. A good organization and supervisor can help mitigate the legitimate cultural concern of failure that weigh down some people and give them the space to work from a perspective of seeking excellence. In this type of environment both the employee and organization have the opportunity to thrive and mutually benefit each other. That is the type of work experience everyone deserves and should be looking for.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Giving Yourself the Best Chance at Getting the Job
Over the course of my career I have interviewed hundreds of candidates for employment positions in higher education. While I have no formal background in career counseling or human resources, interviewing this many people has given me some key insights on what it takes to successfully interview for a position. I believe the lessons below could be applied to most occupations.
The number one priority in an interview is to be your best authentic self. There is no benefit to getting a position playing the part of someone or something you are not. That said, your objective is to put forward a narrative of the best possible version of yourself. I can assure you after years of watching great people interview poorly that this is not something that one can generally pull off without some serious planning, thought, and practice.
I am sure there are many good ways to prepare for an interview, but here is a process I recommend candidates that I am coaching go through in order to deliver a top notch version of themselves to an employer:
1. Generate a list of the seven best examples of the excellence and high quality in your current or previous work. It can be fewer than seven, but not more, your mind can only remember so much information. These examples need to be your best of the best. It could be the biggest or best project you completed, the best team you lead or were a part of, the most important responsibility you were given, the biggest problem you solved, your best idea that you were able to follow through on, a person who you helped be successful, or a difficult skill or task that you were able to learn.
2. Build a detailed story around each of your examples. What talents and attributes helped you achieve that success? What skills or knowledge did you demonstrate or acquire during the process? What parts of the story involve you learning or teaching something important, overcoming a challenge, or working well in a team setting? When you are done with this step you should have seven robust stories that highlight the best what you have accomplished, how you did it, and what about who you are made it possible.
3. Each story also needs to answer the question "so what?" So many people start a good interview story and forget to finish it. Do not leave it to the employer to draw a connection between your story and what that says about you or what you would bring to the job. You need to finish each example or story by drawing a direct connection from what you did previously to what you could do in this new role.
4. You need to become a politician. The number one mistake candidates make in an interview is to simply answer the question they are asked. Politicians have talking points for a reason, because they repeatedly focus the attention where it benefits them most. Also, they work. This does not mean you are selling your soul or need to be inauthentic, but your goal in the interview should be to lead as many questions as possible back to contents of the seven stories that demonstrate what you can do when you are at your best. You are creating and weaving a narrative of who you are and what you bring at your best. When asked a question your mind should quickly sort through your seven stories and find an element of at least one story that best fits the question. Be sure to actually answer the question you were asked, but if you can surround the answer with a fuller example of you at your best, you are doubling the mileage of your efforts.
5. You need to practice. You need to practice telling all aspects of your seven stories over and over again. These examples need to be fresh in your memory and every aspect of your talents, knowledge, and skills should be fully explored and refined. You need to take the position description or employment posting and make connections between each qualification and responsibility and one or more of your seven stories. It is also possible that this process will cause you to rethink one or more of your stories and select another accomplishment to keep in your top seven. Another mistake candidates make is that they never make a case that they meet the core qualifications or that their knowledge, skills, talents, and experience will result in them being highly successful in the key responsibilities and tasks of the position.
The goal of an interview is to let the employer know what you would bring to that organization and the position. Your stories of past accomplishments and successes are the best proof of your knowledge, skills, and talents. Your interview answers should stay focused on what you can do for them in the position. If there are things that you are not great at, do not lie, but keep the focus on where you are great. So many candidates defeat themselves by over mentioning or showing insecurity about what they cannot do instead of always doubling back to what they do bring.
Having a great interview does not assure you of getting a job because someone else at their best might simply be better than you. What it does is give the employer a chance to consider who you are at your best in making their decisions. That is all you can hope for and once you have completed the interview, the process is out of your hands.
Here is one of my favorite interview scenes of all time...
The number one priority in an interview is to be your best authentic self. There is no benefit to getting a position playing the part of someone or something you are not. That said, your objective is to put forward a narrative of the best possible version of yourself. I can assure you after years of watching great people interview poorly that this is not something that one can generally pull off without some serious planning, thought, and practice.
I am sure there are many good ways to prepare for an interview, but here is a process I recommend candidates that I am coaching go through in order to deliver a top notch version of themselves to an employer:
1. Generate a list of the seven best examples of the excellence and high quality in your current or previous work. It can be fewer than seven, but not more, your mind can only remember so much information. These examples need to be your best of the best. It could be the biggest or best project you completed, the best team you lead or were a part of, the most important responsibility you were given, the biggest problem you solved, your best idea that you were able to follow through on, a person who you helped be successful, or a difficult skill or task that you were able to learn.
2. Build a detailed story around each of your examples. What talents and attributes helped you achieve that success? What skills or knowledge did you demonstrate or acquire during the process? What parts of the story involve you learning or teaching something important, overcoming a challenge, or working well in a team setting? When you are done with this step you should have seven robust stories that highlight the best what you have accomplished, how you did it, and what about who you are made it possible.
3. Each story also needs to answer the question "so what?" So many people start a good interview story and forget to finish it. Do not leave it to the employer to draw a connection between your story and what that says about you or what you would bring to the job. You need to finish each example or story by drawing a direct connection from what you did previously to what you could do in this new role.
4. You need to become a politician. The number one mistake candidates make in an interview is to simply answer the question they are asked. Politicians have talking points for a reason, because they repeatedly focus the attention where it benefits them most. Also, they work. This does not mean you are selling your soul or need to be inauthentic, but your goal in the interview should be to lead as many questions as possible back to contents of the seven stories that demonstrate what you can do when you are at your best. You are creating and weaving a narrative of who you are and what you bring at your best. When asked a question your mind should quickly sort through your seven stories and find an element of at least one story that best fits the question. Be sure to actually answer the question you were asked, but if you can surround the answer with a fuller example of you at your best, you are doubling the mileage of your efforts.
5. You need to practice. You need to practice telling all aspects of your seven stories over and over again. These examples need to be fresh in your memory and every aspect of your talents, knowledge, and skills should be fully explored and refined. You need to take the position description or employment posting and make connections between each qualification and responsibility and one or more of your seven stories. It is also possible that this process will cause you to rethink one or more of your stories and select another accomplishment to keep in your top seven. Another mistake candidates make is that they never make a case that they meet the core qualifications or that their knowledge, skills, talents, and experience will result in them being highly successful in the key responsibilities and tasks of the position.
The goal of an interview is to let the employer know what you would bring to that organization and the position. Your stories of past accomplishments and successes are the best proof of your knowledge, skills, and talents. Your interview answers should stay focused on what you can do for them in the position. If there are things that you are not great at, do not lie, but keep the focus on where you are great. So many candidates defeat themselves by over mentioning or showing insecurity about what they cannot do instead of always doubling back to what they do bring.
Having a great interview does not assure you of getting a job because someone else at their best might simply be better than you. What it does is give the employer a chance to consider who you are at your best in making their decisions. That is all you can hope for and once you have completed the interview, the process is out of your hands.
Here is one of my favorite interview scenes of all time...
Friday, June 22, 2012
Disability and Letting Go of My Shame
As I lean into my own vulnerability and walk away from the shame in my life the issue of disability is something that I must address. This is a very complicated issue for me and one that might resonate with others.
When I was in high school I was a Rush Limbaugh loving teenager who, strange as it sounds, had a strong belief in the idea of fairness. I believed the world was unfair and those who paid the worst price were straight white guys like me. When I reached college I was introduced to endless volumes of research and personal stories documenting the clear institutional and systemic advantages for people like me. The racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes that I occasionally told and often laughed at also seemed to no longer fit my evolving belief system. I rejected the awfulness of Rush Limbaugh and continued to be on the side of fairness, but my understanding of that term had changed significantly.
The next couple years involved a significant amount of unlearning much of what I had been taught about the world and learning new ways of feeling, seeing, and thinking. I learned about concepts like gender roles and oppression. My youthful understanding that my life was "normal" evolved into an understanding that my life involved a series of exceptional advantages that so many others do not have in terms of housing, health care, quality schools, supportive family, and constant imagery in the media validating my place in this culture. I started to build authentic relationships with women, people of color, and LGBT individuals resulting in a fuller understanding of how their experiences in this country were and are fundamentally different than my own.
This learning and exposure to others allowed me to gain great comfort with people whose identities are different than mine. Unfortunately, there was one area of identity that seemed to lag behind the rest. I am not sure what is behind my historic discomfort with peoples with disabilities, but I know it has been around for a while. I did sustain a major hip and knee injury during the 10th grade that required me to ride the "short bus" for children with disabilities. The bus usually had a half dozen students on it with severe developmental disabilities and then I would get on. I remember having a great deal of confusion and discomfort on those bus rides.
Another powerful experience involved working with a student while at Colorado State who had massive skin growths all over her body. She looked like she had massive curds of cottage cheese under her skin. I remember her being exceptionally smart, well liked, and very kind to me. I can also remember being incredibly uncomfortable whenever she was around me. This situation is high on my list of life moments that I wish I could do over. While I hope she had no idea how I was feeling, my guess is that she did. The idea of that makes me feel awful, but that is what telling this story is about, leaning into the vulnerability and letting go of the shame. The only benefit of this situation is it pushed me to work through and resolve my discomfort with disabilities.
In the 12 years since I left Colorado State I have come a long way. I no longer squirm around people with disabilities and have come to understand their experiences and issues quite well. I have gained significant knowledge about some parts of this community such as the deaf and hard of hearing. I would still say that disability is an area in which my comfort, experience, and knowledge is further behind other identity areas, but the gap is now extremely small.
I have also come to understand that the reality for able bodied individuals is that our status as being able bodied is temporary in nature. Due to a medical issue, injury, or age our bodies will increasingly break down resulting in most of us joining the disabled community. You may not feel that issues of limited bathroom and building access, unaccommodating visual and audio only materials, or the cultural and institutional oppression of the disabled are your issues today, but there is a strong chance these will be yours issues in the not to distant future. When we reach the point of facing these challenges, this Ted Talk will likely hit the spot even more than it already does.
When I was in high school I was a Rush Limbaugh loving teenager who, strange as it sounds, had a strong belief in the idea of fairness. I believed the world was unfair and those who paid the worst price were straight white guys like me. When I reached college I was introduced to endless volumes of research and personal stories documenting the clear institutional and systemic advantages for people like me. The racist, sexist, and homophobic jokes that I occasionally told and often laughed at also seemed to no longer fit my evolving belief system. I rejected the awfulness of Rush Limbaugh and continued to be on the side of fairness, but my understanding of that term had changed significantly.
The next couple years involved a significant amount of unlearning much of what I had been taught about the world and learning new ways of feeling, seeing, and thinking. I learned about concepts like gender roles and oppression. My youthful understanding that my life was "normal" evolved into an understanding that my life involved a series of exceptional advantages that so many others do not have in terms of housing, health care, quality schools, supportive family, and constant imagery in the media validating my place in this culture. I started to build authentic relationships with women, people of color, and LGBT individuals resulting in a fuller understanding of how their experiences in this country were and are fundamentally different than my own.
This learning and exposure to others allowed me to gain great comfort with people whose identities are different than mine. Unfortunately, there was one area of identity that seemed to lag behind the rest. I am not sure what is behind my historic discomfort with peoples with disabilities, but I know it has been around for a while. I did sustain a major hip and knee injury during the 10th grade that required me to ride the "short bus" for children with disabilities. The bus usually had a half dozen students on it with severe developmental disabilities and then I would get on. I remember having a great deal of confusion and discomfort on those bus rides.
Another powerful experience involved working with a student while at Colorado State who had massive skin growths all over her body. She looked like she had massive curds of cottage cheese under her skin. I remember her being exceptionally smart, well liked, and very kind to me. I can also remember being incredibly uncomfortable whenever she was around me. This situation is high on my list of life moments that I wish I could do over. While I hope she had no idea how I was feeling, my guess is that she did. The idea of that makes me feel awful, but that is what telling this story is about, leaning into the vulnerability and letting go of the shame. The only benefit of this situation is it pushed me to work through and resolve my discomfort with disabilities.
In the 12 years since I left Colorado State I have come a long way. I no longer squirm around people with disabilities and have come to understand their experiences and issues quite well. I have gained significant knowledge about some parts of this community such as the deaf and hard of hearing. I would still say that disability is an area in which my comfort, experience, and knowledge is further behind other identity areas, but the gap is now extremely small.
I have also come to understand that the reality for able bodied individuals is that our status as being able bodied is temporary in nature. Due to a medical issue, injury, or age our bodies will increasingly break down resulting in most of us joining the disabled community. You may not feel that issues of limited bathroom and building access, unaccommodating visual and audio only materials, or the cultural and institutional oppression of the disabled are your issues today, but there is a strong chance these will be yours issues in the not to distant future. When we reach the point of facing these challenges, this Ted Talk will likely hit the spot even more than it already does.
How and Why I Fell in Love with Ted
I am officially a Ted Talk junkie. It is hard to believe that two years ago I had almost no idea this platform existed. I am sure I had heard of Ted Talks and it is possible I had even seen one online at some point, but I had no sense of what was behind it or how important it would become in satiating my thirst for knowledge, meaning, and understanding.
I believe the credit for formally introducing me to Ted Talks belongs to Keith Edwards, but I cannot be certain this is the case. I have an awful memory and falsely give credit to the wrong people all the time. The reason Dr. Edwards gets credit is because I am positive that he exposed me to the exceptional Ted Talk below by Sarah Kay. It was the talk that sparked my current love affair with meeting these remarkable people and learning their amazing online lessons in mostly 20 minute slices.
Unfortunately, for most of my life my thirst for knowledge has not been apparent in a meaningful way. While growing up, my engagement in learning was confined to school and was motivated by social norms and classroom expectations. The one place my curiosity to learn and drive for knowledge was fueled was around my love of sports. I have obtained, considered, discussed, and memorized more information and knowledge about sports than most people do within their college majors. There was a significant amount of time in the 1990's where I could name just about every starting position player and most bench players in the NBA, MLB, and NFL. Some of that knowledge was maintained over the course of many years and was complimented by approximate or exact statistical information about each player. To say I was a sports nerd would be an understatement. Super nerd is more like it.
As noted in earlier blog posts here and here, I have more recently found a passion for learning through the reading and listening to books. It is in the spirit of this exploration of knowledge and meaning that I have welcomed Ted Talks into my life. I would not say that every Ted Talk is amazing, because many are quite boring, but I have seen 20-25 that have grabbed my attention and interest unlike any else. They have challenged my thinking, caused me to reflect on who I am and what I believe, and taught me so much about the world around me that I did not understand.
A strange thing has happened on this new journey of falling in love with learning and eventually meeting Ted, I have started to disengage from sports. I still follow my local teams closely and as I pointed out here I still love watching amazing finishes to games, but my curiosity and thirst for knowledge is now being channeled in other directions.
If you have never seen the Ted Talk below by Sarah Kay, I strongly recommend it. It is especially powerful if you have daughters, are a daughter, or know someone with daughters (does this cover just about everyone?). It inspired me, made me think, touched my heart, and made me want to be a better father. Regular readers of this blog will find Ted Talks and the lessons I have learned from them posted here on a regular basis. At some point I will pull together and post a list of my favorites, but for now I will help you avoid the paralysis of choosing one from a list of many and simply offer you the remarkable one below that started it all for me. If you are desperate for more Ted Talks, you will find some amazing ones in some of my previous posts and more to come in future posts.
I believe the credit for formally introducing me to Ted Talks belongs to Keith Edwards, but I cannot be certain this is the case. I have an awful memory and falsely give credit to the wrong people all the time. The reason Dr. Edwards gets credit is because I am positive that he exposed me to the exceptional Ted Talk below by Sarah Kay. It was the talk that sparked my current love affair with meeting these remarkable people and learning their amazing online lessons in mostly 20 minute slices.
Unfortunately, for most of my life my thirst for knowledge has not been apparent in a meaningful way. While growing up, my engagement in learning was confined to school and was motivated by social norms and classroom expectations. The one place my curiosity to learn and drive for knowledge was fueled was around my love of sports. I have obtained, considered, discussed, and memorized more information and knowledge about sports than most people do within their college majors. There was a significant amount of time in the 1990's where I could name just about every starting position player and most bench players in the NBA, MLB, and NFL. Some of that knowledge was maintained over the course of many years and was complimented by approximate or exact statistical information about each player. To say I was a sports nerd would be an understatement. Super nerd is more like it.
As noted in earlier blog posts here and here, I have more recently found a passion for learning through the reading and listening to books. It is in the spirit of this exploration of knowledge and meaning that I have welcomed Ted Talks into my life. I would not say that every Ted Talk is amazing, because many are quite boring, but I have seen 20-25 that have grabbed my attention and interest unlike any else. They have challenged my thinking, caused me to reflect on who I am and what I believe, and taught me so much about the world around me that I did not understand.
A strange thing has happened on this new journey of falling in love with learning and eventually meeting Ted, I have started to disengage from sports. I still follow my local teams closely and as I pointed out here I still love watching amazing finishes to games, but my curiosity and thirst for knowledge is now being channeled in other directions.
If you have never seen the Ted Talk below by Sarah Kay, I strongly recommend it. It is especially powerful if you have daughters, are a daughter, or know someone with daughters (does this cover just about everyone?). It inspired me, made me think, touched my heart, and made me want to be a better father. Regular readers of this blog will find Ted Talks and the lessons I have learned from them posted here on a regular basis. At some point I will pull together and post a list of my favorites, but for now I will help you avoid the paralysis of choosing one from a list of many and simply offer you the remarkable one below that started it all for me. If you are desperate for more Ted Talks, you will find some amazing ones in some of my previous posts and more to come in future posts.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Why I Love Twitter
When it comes to embracing innovation, I have been all over the map during the last decade or so. The research on the diffusion of innovation places adopters into one of five categories based on the order in which they eventually adopt an innovation.
The reason I love Twitter is that it combines all of the best of my interests in one place. I love sports, politics, news, interesting websites, blogs, friends, general commentary, entertainment, live events, and humor. Twitter has made it possible to enjoy all of these things in one stream of information. I am able to follow my favorite sports reporters, sports commentators, blogs, authors, political reporters, political commentators, news sites, and personalities. Whenever I have time for Twitter (usually first thing in the morning, watching TV at night, and short moments throughout the day) I am updated on all the things that interest me most.
I use to get up each morning and read 8-10 websites as though they were my morning paper. Now, Twitter does that for me. I just scroll through my feed and know all I want from posts and article links about news, politics, sports, and entertainment. Twitter is also amazing at breaking news. When Osama Bin Laden was killed, I first learned about it on Twitter as the news was happening. When something huge happens in the political or sporting worlds, Twitter always has it first.
The best feature of Twitter is live events. Going back and forth between reading your Twitter feed and watching something happen on television elevates the overall experience. For sporting events, political debates, election nights, major breaking news events, and weather events, Twitter enhances the moment by providing real time information, interesting facts, fact checks, immediate commentary, and some outstanding humor. As a sports fan, the people I follow on Twitter alert me in real time to when a nationally televised game is headed towards a close finish or when something historic is about to happen like a perfect game in baseball. I no longer have the time to follow sports as closely as I use to, but Twitter has made it so I have rarely missed a major sports moment over the last 3 years.
My hunch is that Twitter is here to stay and than many more people will eventually find their way to this remarkable platform. I do not judge those who show resistance, because I have been there and will be there again (Pinterist). My reality is that if something is around to stay, I find my way there eventually and end up wondering what took me so long and how did I ever live without it.
- Innovators - the first 2.5%
- Early Adopters - the next 13.5%
- Early Majority - the next 34%
- Late Majority - the next 34%
- Laggards - and the last 16%
- Email - Early Adopter
- Cell Phone - Late Majority
- Smart Phone - Early Majority
- DVD Player - Early Adopter
- Creating Webpages - Early Adopter (started first one in 1998)
- HD TV - Early Majority
- Google Apps - Early Majority
- iPod - Early Majority
- Facebook - Early Adopter, then left for a while, Early Majority the second time around
- Tablet Computer - TBD
- Twitter - Early Adopter
The reason I love Twitter is that it combines all of the best of my interests in one place. I love sports, politics, news, interesting websites, blogs, friends, general commentary, entertainment, live events, and humor. Twitter has made it possible to enjoy all of these things in one stream of information. I am able to follow my favorite sports reporters, sports commentators, blogs, authors, political reporters, political commentators, news sites, and personalities. Whenever I have time for Twitter (usually first thing in the morning, watching TV at night, and short moments throughout the day) I am updated on all the things that interest me most.
I use to get up each morning and read 8-10 websites as though they were my morning paper. Now, Twitter does that for me. I just scroll through my feed and know all I want from posts and article links about news, politics, sports, and entertainment. Twitter is also amazing at breaking news. When Osama Bin Laden was killed, I first learned about it on Twitter as the news was happening. When something huge happens in the political or sporting worlds, Twitter always has it first.
The best feature of Twitter is live events. Going back and forth between reading your Twitter feed and watching something happen on television elevates the overall experience. For sporting events, political debates, election nights, major breaking news events, and weather events, Twitter enhances the moment by providing real time information, interesting facts, fact checks, immediate commentary, and some outstanding humor. As a sports fan, the people I follow on Twitter alert me in real time to when a nationally televised game is headed towards a close finish or when something historic is about to happen like a perfect game in baseball. I no longer have the time to follow sports as closely as I use to, but Twitter has made it so I have rarely missed a major sports moment over the last 3 years.
My hunch is that Twitter is here to stay and than many more people will eventually find their way to this remarkable platform. I do not judge those who show resistance, because I have been there and will be there again (Pinterist). My reality is that if something is around to stay, I find my way there eventually and end up wondering what took me so long and how did I ever live without it.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Where Things Stand: A Look Under the Hood
As if you could not tell, I am really enjoying this blog. It is something that I have wanted to do for years and I finally had the courage to take the plunge. Lets be honest, starting a blog is not a high risk venture, but it has required some vulnerability. I have put myself out there without any certainty of what people would think or how people would respond to what I wrote. I also had no idea if anyone would want to read it and if they did, whether or not they would share or talk about what they read with others.
I created the blog through blogger.com and they allow you to see how many people have read each post and the blog overall. Part of why I am writing this post is that the blog passed 1000 total views this evening and it is my 25th overall posting. That is pretty exciting. While I have found that writing this blog has meant something to me regardless of whether or not someone reads it, the fact is that anyone who publishes their writings wants them to be read and I am so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to read something thus far.
I am also an old school sports statistics nerd, so I find the numbers to be fun. Of the over 1000 views of the blog so far, about 75% of them were direct links from the blog achieve or from one of my postings on Facebook or Twitter. The other 25% were people who opened up the main page (likely from a link using the home address or a bookmark). I have 3 subscribers (thanks!) and have had 4 comments posted (also thanks!). I am not sure what I expected in terms of comments as I have never run a blog, but they are clearly much less common than on facebook and I think I expected a few more than I have gotten. No worries, I have been able to adjust my expectations since it started.
The blog posts that have been viewed the most:
Do These Embarrassing Facts Make Me Unworthy (70 views)
On Love and Being a Parent (67 views)
Is God Laughing at Me (62 views)
The Power and Wonder of Crushes (54 views)
Both Sides of Bullying (52 views)
Am I the Only Person Who Has Ever... (52 views)
The posts with the fewest views:
Getting Started (my first post, 17 views)
I have always wanted a tattoo and will probably never get one (21 views)
My two newest posts from last night and today (which people are still checking out)
Making the Choice to Provide Fewer Choices (22 views)
All I Want For Fathers Day is a Nickname (22 views)
Here are a couple posts that I am extremely proud of that did not get the views I had hoped because of bad titles, topics without much interest, or poor timing of my posts to Facebook and Twitter:
Tuesdays with Morrie and My Fuller Life (26 views)
When Someone Believes in You (24 views)
I know each of the posts noted above has been read more than the number of views listed because 25% of the blog traffic has come from people who have either followed a link to the home page or who have the home page bookmarked.
For the most part people have been extremely supportive of this new venture, but I can tell that some people do not know what to think. I generally hope to post 4-6 entries a week, but we will see. So far there is not shortage of content. At any given time I have 5-7 drafts started and try to find time to finish them when I can. The time taken to do this has mostly come out of my meaningless television watching schedule. I stink at proofreading, so I usually have to space out a couple quick final reads to try and catch as many of my mistakes as possible.
Starting this blog was part of a greater effort I am making to be more active in following my passions and going after what I want in life. The first two weeks have validated my decision to do this and caused me to wonder what I have missed in the past by being too scared of embarrassment, failure, or what people might think. I know that some people have loved the blog posts and others probably have had their feelings about my own sense of self importance validated. The bottom line for me is that I am loving this experience and I always look forward to the next post after finishing the last one.
I created the blog through blogger.com and they allow you to see how many people have read each post and the blog overall. Part of why I am writing this post is that the blog passed 1000 total views this evening and it is my 25th overall posting. That is pretty exciting. While I have found that writing this blog has meant something to me regardless of whether or not someone reads it, the fact is that anyone who publishes their writings wants them to be read and I am so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to read something thus far.
I am also an old school sports statistics nerd, so I find the numbers to be fun. Of the over 1000 views of the blog so far, about 75% of them were direct links from the blog achieve or from one of my postings on Facebook or Twitter. The other 25% were people who opened up the main page (likely from a link using the home address or a bookmark). I have 3 subscribers (thanks!) and have had 4 comments posted (also thanks!). I am not sure what I expected in terms of comments as I have never run a blog, but they are clearly much less common than on facebook and I think I expected a few more than I have gotten. No worries, I have been able to adjust my expectations since it started.
The blog posts that have been viewed the most:
Do These Embarrassing Facts Make Me Unworthy (70 views)
On Love and Being a Parent (67 views)
Is God Laughing at Me (62 views)
The Power and Wonder of Crushes (54 views)
Both Sides of Bullying (52 views)
Am I the Only Person Who Has Ever... (52 views)
The posts with the fewest views:
Getting Started (my first post, 17 views)
I have always wanted a tattoo and will probably never get one (21 views)
My two newest posts from last night and today (which people are still checking out)
Making the Choice to Provide Fewer Choices (22 views)
All I Want For Fathers Day is a Nickname (22 views)
Here are a couple posts that I am extremely proud of that did not get the views I had hoped because of bad titles, topics without much interest, or poor timing of my posts to Facebook and Twitter:
Tuesdays with Morrie and My Fuller Life (26 views)
When Someone Believes in You (24 views)
I know each of the posts noted above has been read more than the number of views listed because 25% of the blog traffic has come from people who have either followed a link to the home page or who have the home page bookmarked.
For the most part people have been extremely supportive of this new venture, but I can tell that some people do not know what to think. I generally hope to post 4-6 entries a week, but we will see. So far there is not shortage of content. At any given time I have 5-7 drafts started and try to find time to finish them when I can. The time taken to do this has mostly come out of my meaningless television watching schedule. I stink at proofreading, so I usually have to space out a couple quick final reads to try and catch as many of my mistakes as possible.
Starting this blog was part of a greater effort I am making to be more active in following my passions and going after what I want in life. The first two weeks have validated my decision to do this and caused me to wonder what I have missed in the past by being too scared of embarrassment, failure, or what people might think. I know that some people have loved the blog posts and others probably have had their feelings about my own sense of self importance validated. The bottom line for me is that I am loving this experience and I always look forward to the next post after finishing the last one.
Making the Choice to Provide Fewer Choices
One of the best things about working with extremely talent people is that they have the ability to make you a better person and professional. A couple of weeks ago I was talking with one of our staff, Laura Wiesner, and she introduced me to the concept of the paralysis of choice. As smart and talented as Laura is, I had a hard time believing that providing people with too many choices could be a bad thing.
I usually see nothing but choices around every corner and that generally excites me. Something as simple as my commute to work involves choices based on choices based on choices. Every problem I see has a number of possible solutions and each possible path includes new choices that must be considered. As someone who has tried to coach people through challenges, I have usually made providing choices the heart of how I help people. The more choices available and the more I get excited for the opportunities the other person has to pick from.
The amazing Ted Talk below by Barry Schwartz and another one by Sheena Iyengar (both suggested to me by Laura) have turned my knowledge and understanding of choices upside down. Having unlimited or extensive choices can actually provide people a great deal of stress and make it impossible for people to make a decision. We often do not know where to start and are afraid to make the wrong decision. Even after we make a choice we sometimes fail to enjoy the benefits of that choice because we wonder what would have happened if we made a different choice.
This not a call for dictatorship or the end of personal freedom, but the best choices are the ones that are bounded by some sort of limits. If we are offered a small number of the best choices to consider, we are better able to make an actual decision. There is a point, and it is different for everyone, where the number of choices we are provided goes from being helpful to paralyzing.
I saw this happen first hand this past week when I was in Washington DC for a work conference. Someone new to the city was asking where they should get off the subway to see the sites. I started listing the best stops for the White House, Washington Monument, Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, and the Capital Building. With each option I provided I saw this person's expression drop lower and lower. Thankfully, I caught myself, and told her exactly what I would do and that seemed to help her relax. She was still free to make whatever choice she wanted, but knowing my choice took away the pressure of having to get it right and gave her a default position to start from.
I still believe in providing people the freedom to make decisions, but I now plan to reconsider how I provide people with choices. If I provide people with options or suggestions, I plan to narrow the overall number or provide some structure to help make the decision. The last thing I want to do is paralyze someone's thinking especially when my goal is to help empower them.
I usually see nothing but choices around every corner and that generally excites me. Something as simple as my commute to work involves choices based on choices based on choices. Every problem I see has a number of possible solutions and each possible path includes new choices that must be considered. As someone who has tried to coach people through challenges, I have usually made providing choices the heart of how I help people. The more choices available and the more I get excited for the opportunities the other person has to pick from.
The amazing Ted Talk below by Barry Schwartz and another one by Sheena Iyengar (both suggested to me by Laura) have turned my knowledge and understanding of choices upside down. Having unlimited or extensive choices can actually provide people a great deal of stress and make it impossible for people to make a decision. We often do not know where to start and are afraid to make the wrong decision. Even after we make a choice we sometimes fail to enjoy the benefits of that choice because we wonder what would have happened if we made a different choice.
This not a call for dictatorship or the end of personal freedom, but the best choices are the ones that are bounded by some sort of limits. If we are offered a small number of the best choices to consider, we are better able to make an actual decision. There is a point, and it is different for everyone, where the number of choices we are provided goes from being helpful to paralyzing.
I saw this happen first hand this past week when I was in Washington DC for a work conference. Someone new to the city was asking where they should get off the subway to see the sites. I started listing the best stops for the White House, Washington Monument, Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, and the Capital Building. With each option I provided I saw this person's expression drop lower and lower. Thankfully, I caught myself, and told her exactly what I would do and that seemed to help her relax. She was still free to make whatever choice she wanted, but knowing my choice took away the pressure of having to get it right and gave her a default position to start from.
I still believe in providing people the freedom to make decisions, but I now plan to reconsider how I provide people with choices. If I provide people with options or suggestions, I plan to narrow the overall number or provide some structure to help make the decision. The last thing I want to do is paralyze someone's thinking especially when my goal is to help empower them.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
All I Want for Fathers Day is a Nickname
I cannot overstate how much I enjoy nicknames. In my perfect world everyone would have a nickname that would be embraced by the owner and all possible users. I am a regular giver and user of nicknames. I see them as a sign of affection and a reflection of personal closeness and familiarity. In using a nickname I mean no disrespect to given names and know those often come with important meaning for individuals and families.
Nicknames come to people in many different ways. The classic is the use of last name in full, part, or slightly modified as a nickname. This is probably the most common way to obtain a nickname (aside from shorting or slightly modifying your given first name), but that does not diminish its quality. So many people have such interesting or fitting last names. In the past, as I started to get to know someone, I would usually try out a nickname based on their last name just to see how it felt for them and for me. Sadly, the people I generally meet for the first time now are at least my age and it is likely that the last name possibilities have already been resolved before I met them.
Some of the best nicknames are earned in the midst of a defining moment or slip of the tongue with your friends or family. Others evolve based on critical characteristics about an individual's habits, interests, or personality. There is also a special category of people who are always referred to by their first and last name together. Even though these are their given names, I believe that when you feel compelled to exclusively say their first and last name together that essentially functions as a nickname.
Unfortunately, some nicknames are given to others out of meanness and are used behind people's backs out of spite. I am guilty of doing this sometimes myself and it is not something I am proud of. Much like the powers of a superhero, nicknames can be used for good or evil.
I have never had a nickname stick. As noted in an earlier blog post on bullying, I was called Grunt for a while as a child and that hurt. In my early and middle twenties my friends looked for nicknames that made use of the G in my name resulting in G-Money, G-Rant, and G-Spot being taken out for unsuccessful test drives. In recent years, some have made a play on email address type names like "ganderson," but nothing has found widespread appeal. The closest thing I have to a nickname is the single letter G that I use to sign most emails. I think it is fair to say that I have a healthy amount of envy of those who have achieved a meaningful and sustained nickname.
This does lead me to the last type of nickname I can think of, those who use two initials from their full name. These might be my favorite. Every time I meet someone who is able to pull off a PJ, TJ, RJ, or CJ I am excited for them (I also wonder why the letter J is so special). My interest in this type of nickname is so strong that I put a significant amount of my child naming energy and time into trying to find acceptable names that could be shortened into the use of just two initials. Unfortunately for me, I failed at this task.
Assuming that I am too old to find a nickname for myself and that I hopefully never have the chance again to name a child, I do have one last nickname task to complete. I want to find an appropriate home for the nickname "Scooter." While it would best fit a Scott, I am open to finding it the right home with someone of any name. Unfortunately, this task was made more difficult when the most famous Scooter in the world turned out to be a criminal. In honor of nicknames everywhere, here is one of the best Seinfeld scenes by one of the most famous last name as nickname people ever, Cosmo Kramer.
Nicknames come to people in many different ways. The classic is the use of last name in full, part, or slightly modified as a nickname. This is probably the most common way to obtain a nickname (aside from shorting or slightly modifying your given first name), but that does not diminish its quality. So many people have such interesting or fitting last names. In the past, as I started to get to know someone, I would usually try out a nickname based on their last name just to see how it felt for them and for me. Sadly, the people I generally meet for the first time now are at least my age and it is likely that the last name possibilities have already been resolved before I met them.
Some of the best nicknames are earned in the midst of a defining moment or slip of the tongue with your friends or family. Others evolve based on critical characteristics about an individual's habits, interests, or personality. There is also a special category of people who are always referred to by their first and last name together. Even though these are their given names, I believe that when you feel compelled to exclusively say their first and last name together that essentially functions as a nickname.
Unfortunately, some nicknames are given to others out of meanness and are used behind people's backs out of spite. I am guilty of doing this sometimes myself and it is not something I am proud of. Much like the powers of a superhero, nicknames can be used for good or evil.
I have never had a nickname stick. As noted in an earlier blog post on bullying, I was called Grunt for a while as a child and that hurt. In my early and middle twenties my friends looked for nicknames that made use of the G in my name resulting in G-Money, G-Rant, and G-Spot being taken out for unsuccessful test drives. In recent years, some have made a play on email address type names like "ganderson," but nothing has found widespread appeal. The closest thing I have to a nickname is the single letter G that I use to sign most emails. I think it is fair to say that I have a healthy amount of envy of those who have achieved a meaningful and sustained nickname.
This does lead me to the last type of nickname I can think of, those who use two initials from their full name. These might be my favorite. Every time I meet someone who is able to pull off a PJ, TJ, RJ, or CJ I am excited for them (I also wonder why the letter J is so special). My interest in this type of nickname is so strong that I put a significant amount of my child naming energy and time into trying to find acceptable names that could be shortened into the use of just two initials. Unfortunately for me, I failed at this task.
Assuming that I am too old to find a nickname for myself and that I hopefully never have the chance again to name a child, I do have one last nickname task to complete. I want to find an appropriate home for the nickname "Scooter." While it would best fit a Scott, I am open to finding it the right home with someone of any name. Unfortunately, this task was made more difficult when the most famous Scooter in the world turned out to be a criminal. In honor of nicknames everywhere, here is one of the best Seinfeld scenes by one of the most famous last name as nickname people ever, Cosmo Kramer.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Confession: I am a Nerd
For years I have lived in denial of an important fact, I am a nerd. I am not sure what I thought I was before realizing I was a nerd, but I think it is time to come clean. It is possible that I am the last person to realize this as I believe that sometimes others see things in us long before we see them in ourselves.
Here is a breakdown of some of the criteria I have mentally sorted through in making this powerful conclusion (I am sure people who know me well could add items to both sides of this argument):
Here is a breakdown of some of the criteria I have mentally sorted through in making this powerful conclusion (I am sure people who know me well could add items to both sides of this argument):
- I like playing and watching sports, a lot - Not a Nerd
- I like sports statistics, a lot - Nerd
- I like listening to sports talk radio - Nerd
- I like Star Wars, Star Trek, and almost anything else with "star" in the title - Nerd
- I like reading books about research on the human experience - Nerd
- I watch the Sunday morning political talk shows most weeks - Nerd
- I can connect with any person on just about any topic - Not a Nerd
- I have a healthy sense of adventure - Not a Nerd
- I love watching and learning from Ted Talks - Nerd
- I enjoy reality television, especially Survivor, Storage Wars, the Deadliest Catch, and Whale Wars - Nerd
- I have very good hand eye coordination - Not a Nerd
- I love both learning and sharing obscure facts - Nerd
- I am really good at making just about anyone laugh regardless of their mood - Not a Nerd
- I really enjoy reading biographies and historic non-fiction - Nerd
- I get excited about new technology - Nerd
- I have rhythm - Not a Nerd
- I listen to sports podcasts - Nerd
- I love research and statistics about just about everything - Nerd
- I can be the life of just about any party - Not a Nerd
- I can get places using my words that I cannot get with my mind - Not a Nerd
- I dreamed of starting a blog and finally did it - Super Nerd
- I could not help adding this next sentence - Nerd
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Things No One Told Me About Being a Parent
There is no doubt that becoming a parent has been the most challenging, interesting, and wonderful journey of my life. I did not realize I could care for and love another human being the way I do my children. In preparing to have children I spent a significant amount of time reading the official "you're having a baby" handbook What to Expect When You're Expecting. For a guy who has an unreasonable amount of curiosity and questions (and researches every big decision to death), this book was exceptional. The same people continued the book series by exploring the 1st year, 2nd year, and beyond.
I was once a kid, have younger siblings, and knew plenty of people who had kids before me including both my siblings. I attended the parenting classes, saw many thoughtful reality and scripted television shows about families, and reflected a lot about being a parent before becoming one. In spite of all the advice, life experience, planning, and research, there were many things I had to learn about parenting on the fly. Here are two examples that stand out:
I was once a kid, have younger siblings, and knew plenty of people who had kids before me including both my siblings. I attended the parenting classes, saw many thoughtful reality and scripted television shows about families, and reflected a lot about being a parent before becoming one. In spite of all the advice, life experience, planning, and research, there were many things I had to learn about parenting on the fly. Here are two examples that stand out:
- Their body and your body are in constant danger of injury. Kids do not always have good control of their bodies, nor do they understand what causes pain for themselves and others. As a result, I have seen and taken small injuries to almost every part of the body. I am pretty sure my groin has taken the most frequent damage, but it is possible that those moments have just left a greater sense of trauma in my mind. I can assure you that my "protect myself" reflex to guard every part of my body, and especially my groin, is as strong as it has ever been.
- It is such a different experience with the second child. All of the media and resources talk about how much less stress you will experience about every little cry or sore spot. I would agree that is true. What no one told me was that when you have a second child, you miss out on a key element you had with your first child, time to build a one on one relationship. In my case, I had a little over 3 years to focus exclusively on my relationship with my first daughter. When the second child arrived, the alone time we had together was extremely limited and most of our relationship building has been done with others around. It has made the alone time we have together now that much more special. I would add that early on the second child is way more than twice as much work (more like 5x). When they get old enough to entertain each other it slowly works its way to only twice as much work, but I would say that took about 3 years and I am sure it is different for everyone based on spacing.
Tuesdays with Morrie and My Fuller Life
For the first quarter century of my life I almost never read books for pleasure or to find meaning. I basically only read books required for school and while I found plenty of them interesting, it never felt like I was reading for myself. I learned a couple years ago when reading the amazing book Punished by Rewards that when people feel controlled or manipulated into certain behaviors that it diminishes the internal motivation to engage in those behaviors on their own. Forced into reading for my own educational good and to obtain a degree made the idea of self directed reading out of the question. For those who are interested, Dan Pink and Ken Robinson (also here) provide more clarity on these and similar issues.
In spite of my stunted motivation about reading, I was inspired by some friends in the late 1990's to read the book Tuesdays with Morrie. The book is about a series of conversations exploring the meaning of life between a dying teacher (Morrie) and his former student (Mitch). Reading this book was one of the most important decisions I have made in my life. I realize that is a lofty statement and it might involve me being overly romantic about the importance of the past decisions, but it was a very critical book to me. Based on how much I enjoyed the book it put me on a path to engage in self directed reading from that point forward. The result has been dozens of books (probably over 100) that have made my life more interesting, meaningful, and pleasurable.
This book also made me realize how much I want to be both a student and teacher in the classroom of life. There are so many mysteries about life that I want to explore endlessly: love, death, friendship, fear, joy, anticipation, humor, tragedy, etc. I have and want to continue to learn about these and other aspects of life from teacher/mentors, family/friends, co-workers/students, and books/videos. Just as important to me is to teach the lessons I have learned to others and to explore these types of issues in trusted partnerships where the lines of student and teacher are blurred. In the book Morrie was the teacher and Mitch was the student, and most days the relationship stayed that way, but it was clear that Morrie was learning along with Mitch and I have often had that same experience in my personal and work life.
While exploring the amazing Ted Talks of Brene Brown and her book The Gifts of Imperfection I found myself again thinking of Tuesdays with Morrie. One of Dr. Brown's key research findings is that we have to make ourselves vulnerable enough to experience all emotions, including the best and worst feelings life has to offer. If we numb ourselves from what hurts we also numb ourselves to happiness and joy. Her research is pretty clear that you cannot just experience the highs of life and avoid the lows. It is all or nothing. Morrie shared a similar message when discussing emotions with Mitch:
In spite of my stunted motivation about reading, I was inspired by some friends in the late 1990's to read the book Tuesdays with Morrie. The book is about a series of conversations exploring the meaning of life between a dying teacher (Morrie) and his former student (Mitch). Reading this book was one of the most important decisions I have made in my life. I realize that is a lofty statement and it might involve me being overly romantic about the importance of the past decisions, but it was a very critical book to me. Based on how much I enjoyed the book it put me on a path to engage in self directed reading from that point forward. The result has been dozens of books (probably over 100) that have made my life more interesting, meaningful, and pleasurable.
This book also made me realize how much I want to be both a student and teacher in the classroom of life. There are so many mysteries about life that I want to explore endlessly: love, death, friendship, fear, joy, anticipation, humor, tragedy, etc. I have and want to continue to learn about these and other aspects of life from teacher/mentors, family/friends, co-workers/students, and books/videos. Just as important to me is to teach the lessons I have learned to others and to explore these types of issues in trusted partnerships where the lines of student and teacher are blurred. In the book Morrie was the teacher and Mitch was the student, and most days the relationship stayed that way, but it was clear that Morrie was learning along with Mitch and I have often had that same experience in my personal and work life.
While exploring the amazing Ted Talks of Brene Brown and her book The Gifts of Imperfection I found myself again thinking of Tuesdays with Morrie. One of Dr. Brown's key research findings is that we have to make ourselves vulnerable enough to experience all emotions, including the best and worst feelings life has to offer. If we numb ourselves from what hurts we also numb ourselves to happiness and joy. Her research is pretty clear that you cannot just experience the highs of life and avoid the lows. It is all or nothing. Morrie shared a similar message when discussing emotions with Mitch:
"By throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love in. You know what grief is. And the only thing you can say, 'All right, I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"Another important thread in the book is the topic of death. As I noted in this earlier post, I have had a long standing fascination with death. "Everybody knows they're going to die," Morrie said, "but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently." He later added "Do what the Buddhists do. Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, 'is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?'" He hammers home the point by saying
"learn how to die, and you learn how to live."Tuesdays with Morrie has given me the priceless gift of a fuller life. It challenged the way I experience emotions, it gave me the strength to cry again, it caused me to embrace a life long purpose of teaching and learning, and introduced me the endless gifts found in books. Most important it caused me to enjoy and find meaning in the daily ride of life as much as possible.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Both Sides of Bullying
I have the experience of being on both sides of the bullying experience. I have felt a great deal of shame about it in the past and some of that emotion is creeping in as I start to write this post. For most of my adult life I have rarely talked or thought about either side of this coin, but having children has made it a relevant subject again and one I have explored internally the last couple years.
My oldest daughter Neala just finished the 1st grade and has been a part of the after school program at the YMCA the last two years. Every Thursday during the school year the YMCA engages the kids around bullying in an effort to prevent kids from ending up on either side of what is an awful reality for far too many youth.
When you have kids you want so much for them to be healthy, happy, and engaged in learning all the wonderful things life has to offer. Since Neala started preschool I have found myself extremely interested and invested in her finding good friends. While I want her to learn to read, write, and do arithmetic, I have tended to ask her more questions about who she hangs out with, is she friendly to the kids that others do not like, and was anyone mean to her that day. When she is happy and engaged with great friends it brings me joy and relief. On the days where someone has hurt her feelings or been mean to her it breaks my heart.
I think my investment in Neala's experience comes from my own experience with bullying. I am not sure when it started, but I was part of a small group that would bully a young boy my age in the years before I finished 4th grade. I do not remember much of what we did, but I remember it being pretty mean. As far as I know he did nothing to bring it on (like that would make it okay) and I believe he was targeted by the neighborhood kids because he and his family were considered different and weird. I have had many deep regrets over the course of my lifetime and how I treated this young boy may be at the top of the list.
When I moved to a new area after the 4th grade I soon found myself on the other end of bullying. I really struggled when we moved going from a top dog in my elementary school to a nobody in my new school. I also started to put on considerable weight during this time and was required to wear glasses. I am not sure when I started to be bullied, but I have a couple powerful memories of being targeted on my basketball team in 5th or 6th grade. Some of the more talented and popular kids started calling me grunt and would not let up. It caused me to quit playing basketball. I also remember a popular guy early in middle school (we called it junior high back then) who seemed to target me every chance he could because of my weight.
I am not exactly sure when the bullying ended, but I believe it was later in middle school when I found a core group of friends that helped me fit in. The impact of bullying was very hard. I can remember a healthy amount of crying at night and comfort eating to manage the pain. The crying eventually ended (see post here on crying), but the desire to eat comfort food in the face of internal pain has lived on.
I am not sure why I was a bully and I deeply wish it was not a part of my past. I feel confident that I was bullied because of my weight and some struggles I had fitting in. As I reflect on who I am today, one of the ways I connect to people now in through playful teasing. I am very quick to think of a clever and funny lines and can be very biting, especially in the midst of a back and forth with someone. I try to take exceptional care to not do any harm to people and I am sure I sometimes fail this personal expectation. People have been surprised when I check to make sure I did not cross the line or when I make a special effort to validate them after some teasing, but I think my experience as a youth has made me nervous that I could unknowingly hit the wrong spot and sensitive to what it feels like when that happens.
My oldest daughter Neala just finished the 1st grade and has been a part of the after school program at the YMCA the last two years. Every Thursday during the school year the YMCA engages the kids around bullying in an effort to prevent kids from ending up on either side of what is an awful reality for far too many youth.
When you have kids you want so much for them to be healthy, happy, and engaged in learning all the wonderful things life has to offer. Since Neala started preschool I have found myself extremely interested and invested in her finding good friends. While I want her to learn to read, write, and do arithmetic, I have tended to ask her more questions about who she hangs out with, is she friendly to the kids that others do not like, and was anyone mean to her that day. When she is happy and engaged with great friends it brings me joy and relief. On the days where someone has hurt her feelings or been mean to her it breaks my heart.
I think my investment in Neala's experience comes from my own experience with bullying. I am not sure when it started, but I was part of a small group that would bully a young boy my age in the years before I finished 4th grade. I do not remember much of what we did, but I remember it being pretty mean. As far as I know he did nothing to bring it on (like that would make it okay) and I believe he was targeted by the neighborhood kids because he and his family were considered different and weird. I have had many deep regrets over the course of my lifetime and how I treated this young boy may be at the top of the list.
When I moved to a new area after the 4th grade I soon found myself on the other end of bullying. I really struggled when we moved going from a top dog in my elementary school to a nobody in my new school. I also started to put on considerable weight during this time and was required to wear glasses. I am not sure when I started to be bullied, but I have a couple powerful memories of being targeted on my basketball team in 5th or 6th grade. Some of the more talented and popular kids started calling me grunt and would not let up. It caused me to quit playing basketball. I also remember a popular guy early in middle school (we called it junior high back then) who seemed to target me every chance he could because of my weight.
I am not exactly sure when the bullying ended, but I believe it was later in middle school when I found a core group of friends that helped me fit in. The impact of bullying was very hard. I can remember a healthy amount of crying at night and comfort eating to manage the pain. The crying eventually ended (see post here on crying), but the desire to eat comfort food in the face of internal pain has lived on.
I am not sure why I was a bully and I deeply wish it was not a part of my past. I feel confident that I was bullied because of my weight and some struggles I had fitting in. As I reflect on who I am today, one of the ways I connect to people now in through playful teasing. I am very quick to think of a clever and funny lines and can be very biting, especially in the midst of a back and forth with someone. I try to take exceptional care to not do any harm to people and I am sure I sometimes fail this personal expectation. People have been surprised when I check to make sure I did not cross the line or when I make a special effort to validate them after some teasing, but I think my experience as a youth has made me nervous that I could unknowingly hit the wrong spot and sensitive to what it feels like when that happens.
Monday, June 11, 2012
The False Romance of History
The other day I witnessed the occasional occurrence of overhearing an
older white man say to someone else how much better this country was in
the past. At this point it does not even phase me anymore. I have
heard it said in person or referenced in politics far too often in my
adult life for it to frustrate me the way it use to. Sadly, his
statement is not true for so many people. I will grant you that many
straight, white, Christian (protestant), able bodied, middle/upper
class, men probably did have it better in the past than they do today.
Less competition for jobs and resources, a simpler sense of the way the
world worked and where they stood on top of the national food chain, and
the ability to see built advantages in the system as a normal
experience for people like them. I just wish this man and others who have said similar things would be clear and note
that the days of yesteryear were amazing for him and many people like
him, but for most other people the past was not a better or easier time.
It strikes me that he and so many others might not know the stains of
the history of violence against women and peoples of color, widespread
antisemitism, and the exploitation of immigrants of all races (just to
name a few of the many groups of people targeted throughout this country's history).
No one makes this case better or more funny than Louis CK (below).
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Sometimes I Wish I Could Have a Good Cry
I am jealous of those who are able to cry. I can remember crying a fair amount prior to reaching high school and then rarely or never doing so for about a decade. I am not exactly sure what broke the dam of tears, but I credit the end of the book Tuesdays with Morrie with making crying possible again. As a side note, Tuesdays with Morrie might be the most meaningful book of my twenties and is one that you should be sure to read if you missed it.
I am still not a regular crier, but I have my moments. I find that movies and music provide the best catalysts for an ocular discharge of salty fluids. In film, a range of moments can lead to tears. This can include people falling in love, relationship heartbreak, death, and hopelessness. The most common source of movie tears is when I am inspired by moments of courage and overcoming struggle. Music is very different. Music can transport me back to the emotions from places and times in my past. In many cases, what I feel now from the music is stronger than the emotions I felt at the time.
I am still learning to be more authentic and vulnerable with my emotions. Rarely do I find myself in tears due to the fear, frustration, pain, and sadness in my own life. I have those feelings, but the crying does not come naturally. When it has happened, it is very liberating. When I witness the emotions of others, I usually have one of two responses. My most typical response is to try and be extremely supportive of the person crying and to create as much comfort as possible for the emotions to go wherever they need to go. Occasionally, at my most authentic and vulnerable, I will be deeply touched by the moment and find myself in the midst of my own emotional response to it. Thankfully, the discomfort I was taught and use to feel when someone starts to cry has all but disappeared.
I think it is unfortunate that we socialize boys and men to avoid and deny the need to cry. I enjoy the way the Seinfeld clip above and Flight of the Concords music video below playfully challenge and mock this notion. It is not likely that I will ever be completely liberated from my socialization as a male when it comes to my own crying, but things are moving in the right direction and who knows where I will end up.
I am still not a regular crier, but I have my moments. I find that movies and music provide the best catalysts for an ocular discharge of salty fluids. In film, a range of moments can lead to tears. This can include people falling in love, relationship heartbreak, death, and hopelessness. The most common source of movie tears is when I am inspired by moments of courage and overcoming struggle. Music is very different. Music can transport me back to the emotions from places and times in my past. In many cases, what I feel now from the music is stronger than the emotions I felt at the time.
I am still learning to be more authentic and vulnerable with my emotions. Rarely do I find myself in tears due to the fear, frustration, pain, and sadness in my own life. I have those feelings, but the crying does not come naturally. When it has happened, it is very liberating. When I witness the emotions of others, I usually have one of two responses. My most typical response is to try and be extremely supportive of the person crying and to create as much comfort as possible for the emotions to go wherever they need to go. Occasionally, at my most authentic and vulnerable, I will be deeply touched by the moment and find myself in the midst of my own emotional response to it. Thankfully, the discomfort I was taught and use to feel when someone starts to cry has all but disappeared.
I think it is unfortunate that we socialize boys and men to avoid and deny the need to cry. I enjoy the way the Seinfeld clip above and Flight of the Concords music video below playfully challenge and mock this notion. It is not likely that I will ever be completely liberated from my socialization as a male when it comes to my own crying, but things are moving in the right direction and who knows where I will end up.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Doing it for the Story
Sometimes you just have to do it for the story. This is a phrase that has been uttered countless times by a close group of my friends. This mantra has not always had positive results, but I love the spirit behind it and more often than not it pays off. Life is a daily series of opportunities and decisions that can have echos that last a lifetime. The best moments create stories that people can relive well into the future. Doing it for the story is usually invoked as the final push needed in order to get someone to be bold, take a risk, or go after something they really want. Our lives are filled with so many chances to live out loud and sometimes we need a little nudge in order to go for it.
The Ted Talk below uses research to reinforce the idea that we should be living to create positive memories for ourselves and others. While happiness in the moment is nice, creating memories that can span the test of time allows us to capture that emotion and let it live on. I am really looking forward to spending some time with some close friends this weekend. I hope we are able to make some new memories and if we are debating whether or not to do something, maybe we will make the decision to do it for the story.
The Ted Talk below uses research to reinforce the idea that we should be living to create positive memories for ourselves and others. While happiness in the moment is nice, creating memories that can span the test of time allows us to capture that emotion and let it live on. I am really looking forward to spending some time with some close friends this weekend. I hope we are able to make some new memories and if we are debating whether or not to do something, maybe we will make the decision to do it for the story.
Am I the Only Person Who Has Ever...
One of the hardest parts of feeling shame is the loneliness. Not only do we feel that we are not worthy of acceptance because of what we have done, thought, felt, or experienced, but we often feel like we might be the only person we know who feels or has ever felt that way. Shame has the ability to be terribly isolating because of the power of silence. We feel if we share our shame people will not accept us or value us the same. Our decision not to share with trusted people how we feel removes any chance of connecting with people around what hurts and worries us. Sometimes we might be the only person we has experienced our shame, but I am guessing that is much more rare than we think and sharing our shame with someone we trust will help regardless. One element I hope to achieve with this blog is to normalize the complexity of life. We have all felt anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, regret, sadness, stress, and shame. I am also guessing that more people than we know have felt these emotions about the same things we have.
Here is a short list of thoughts and feeling I have had before that I rarely or never shared with people at the time I had them. The lack of sharing meant that instead of healthy feelings of doubt, guilt, and regret, I was often feeling a sense of shame, a lack of human connection and worthiness, and very alone.
Am I the only person who has ever wondered...
why am I not a better person
why can't I be a better parent
why my children behave more poorly than other children
why my relationship does not seem as happy or healthy as other people I know
why can't I find the right relationship
why are there some things I cannot get right
why can't I learn to eat healthier
why am I not happier at work
why does my family have so many problems
why do I not take better care of myself
why do I get so down on myself
why am I not better at my job
why am I not as happy as other people
why do I keep making the same mistakes
why do I not feel as smart as other people
why do I not feel as together as other people
why did I say something stupid
why did I do that (any and all the things you have done that you feel embarrassed about)
why do I keep my shame to myself
The other day someone teased me (in a friendly way) about how I like to help people by drawing connections between their difficult situations and the situations I have dealt with in the past. I thought that was a very keen observation and absolutely true. Life is filled with some many amazing ups and extremely difficult downs. I think many or most of us keep those downs to ourselves and the silence results in us feeling shame. That shame has a toxic ripple effect on our lives diminishing our confidence, making it difficult to make authentic connections with people, and preventing us from experiencing joy and happiness. I feel if I can make a connection with someone around their difficulties they will not feel alone and might realize the next time trouble hits that they are again likely not alone in feeling that way.
Much of what I learned on this subject has come in the last 6 months from Brene Brown. I have referenced her early and often in the blog, a trend that will likely continue. If you have not gotten to know Dr. Brown, I strongly encourage you to watch her two Ted Talks and when you are done read her book The Gifts of Imperfection. Earlier I posted her talk on vulnerability and below is her talk on shame:
Here is a short list of thoughts and feeling I have had before that I rarely or never shared with people at the time I had them. The lack of sharing meant that instead of healthy feelings of doubt, guilt, and regret, I was often feeling a sense of shame, a lack of human connection and worthiness, and very alone.
Am I the only person who has ever wondered...
why am I not a better person
why can't I be a better parent
why my children behave more poorly than other children
why my relationship does not seem as happy or healthy as other people I know
why can't I find the right relationship
why are there some things I cannot get right
why can't I learn to eat healthier
why am I not happier at work
why does my family have so many problems
why do I not take better care of myself
why do I get so down on myself
why am I not better at my job
why am I not as happy as other people
why do I keep making the same mistakes
why do I not feel as smart as other people
why do I not feel as together as other people
why did I say something stupid
why did I do that (any and all the things you have done that you feel embarrassed about)
why do I keep my shame to myself
The other day someone teased me (in a friendly way) about how I like to help people by drawing connections between their difficult situations and the situations I have dealt with in the past. I thought that was a very keen observation and absolutely true. Life is filled with some many amazing ups and extremely difficult downs. I think many or most of us keep those downs to ourselves and the silence results in us feeling shame. That shame has a toxic ripple effect on our lives diminishing our confidence, making it difficult to make authentic connections with people, and preventing us from experiencing joy and happiness. I feel if I can make a connection with someone around their difficulties they will not feel alone and might realize the next time trouble hits that they are again likely not alone in feeling that way.
Much of what I learned on this subject has come in the last 6 months from Brene Brown. I have referenced her early and often in the blog, a trend that will likely continue. If you have not gotten to know Dr. Brown, I strongly encourage you to watch her two Ted Talks and when you are done read her book The Gifts of Imperfection. Earlier I posted her talk on vulnerability and below is her talk on shame:
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
When Someone Believes In You
When I decided to listen to the audiobook for Roger Ebert's Life Itself: A Memoir, I am not sure what I expected. I love movies and always enjoyed his shows. I have been following him on twitter for a couple years and generally appreciate his observations and politics. I was aware that he had overcome significant medical complications and seemed to be living his life as fully as possible.
I just finished the book today and had a number of observations. I am not sure how many I will blog about, but one theme of the book that really stood out is how important it was for Roger to have people believed in him. He had key moments throughout his life (school, work, health problems, etc.) when people demonstrated how much they believed in him with both their actions and words. The results of these moments was increased confidence, professional success, and overall affirmation of his worthiness as a person. This is especially true after he survived cancer and three fail surgeries that followed. If not for the belief in him by his wife Chaz and dear friends like Studs Terkel it seems clear that he might not have survived or gone on to eventually thrive.
As I was listening to the book I was reminded of seeing the compelling short video story (worth watching) of Tererai Trent a couple years ago and then seeing her speak last year at Gallup's Strengths in Education Conference in Omaha, NE. Tererai's story is amazing. She grew up in Zimbabwe and was denied the opportunity to get an education because that privilege was reserved for males. She managed to learn anyway by doing her brother's homework and eventually found a path to education for herself. One key to her story was that at a critical point in her life someone believed in her. Tererai should get all the credit she deserves for her remarkable success and I do not generally believe in the idea of saviors, but it was clear how critical it was to have someone believe in her ability to be successful.
My path has also been paved by people who believed in me. I am reminded of key teachers, wonderful supervisors, important mentors, and trusted friends and loved ones. Without their belief in me I do not think I would be where I am today which is generally happy and successful. Any positive impact I have had and will have on the world will have been possible because of them. I have kept this in mind the last few years and have made one of my core missions to try to be someone in people's lives who believes in them.
I am fortunate that I have a number of people in my life who believe in me and that I was generally taught as a child to believe in myself. I have come to understand this is not the case for many people. There are times I have been hurtful, petty, and selfish towards others, but I believe I have evolved significantly and continue to grow as a person. I now want to be someone who helps lift people up, encourages people to follow their passions, and is a positive force in people's lives. Above all else, I want people to know that I authentically believe in their capacity for happiness and success and that the power to achieve those things can be found in believing in themselves.
I just finished the book today and had a number of observations. I am not sure how many I will blog about, but one theme of the book that really stood out is how important it was for Roger to have people believed in him. He had key moments throughout his life (school, work, health problems, etc.) when people demonstrated how much they believed in him with both their actions and words. The results of these moments was increased confidence, professional success, and overall affirmation of his worthiness as a person. This is especially true after he survived cancer and three fail surgeries that followed. If not for the belief in him by his wife Chaz and dear friends like Studs Terkel it seems clear that he might not have survived or gone on to eventually thrive.
As I was listening to the book I was reminded of seeing the compelling short video story (worth watching) of Tererai Trent a couple years ago and then seeing her speak last year at Gallup's Strengths in Education Conference in Omaha, NE. Tererai's story is amazing. She grew up in Zimbabwe and was denied the opportunity to get an education because that privilege was reserved for males. She managed to learn anyway by doing her brother's homework and eventually found a path to education for herself. One key to her story was that at a critical point in her life someone believed in her. Tererai should get all the credit she deserves for her remarkable success and I do not generally believe in the idea of saviors, but it was clear how critical it was to have someone believe in her ability to be successful.
My path has also been paved by people who believed in me. I am reminded of key teachers, wonderful supervisors, important mentors, and trusted friends and loved ones. Without their belief in me I do not think I would be where I am today which is generally happy and successful. Any positive impact I have had and will have on the world will have been possible because of them. I have kept this in mind the last few years and have made one of my core missions to try to be someone in people's lives who believes in them.
I am fortunate that I have a number of people in my life who believe in me and that I was generally taught as a child to believe in myself. I have come to understand this is not the case for many people. There are times I have been hurtful, petty, and selfish towards others, but I believe I have evolved significantly and continue to grow as a person. I now want to be someone who helps lift people up, encourages people to follow their passions, and is a positive force in people's lives. Above all else, I want people to know that I authentically believe in their capacity for happiness and success and that the power to achieve those things can be found in believing in themselves.
Do These Embarassing Facts Make Me Unworthy?
Brene Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." In her Ted Talks as well in her book The Gifts of Imperfection she making a compelling case for the need we each have for vulnerability, worthiness, and wholehearted living. She also discusses what prevents us from getting there: shame.
Dr. Brown goes further to say that what gives shame its ultimate power is silence. We are afraid that if people know certain things about us that they will not care for us or believe in us anymore. We feel that what we have done, thought, or felt will make us unworthy to those from whom we crave worthiness.
This entire blog experiment is an exercise in trying to be vulnerable and live without shame. I thought it would be fun to conduct a mini experiment and list some interesting things about me here that only some people know. In the past the items below have resulted in some feelings of shame. I would like to think I am completely beyond these feelings, but as I started to generate a list of possible items and tried to decide what would make the cut the echos of shame could still be felt for a few items. Will I still be worthy of your acceptance after you read the items below? I guess we will find out.
With no further ado, here are three fun and interesting nuggets about me that have resulted in some level of shame in the past and now live on as pure entertainment...
- I once had a crush on Tanya Harding that started just after she became a global pariah. It began after an unexpected and exceptionally realistic dream about her and I being a couple. I woke up remembering all of the emotions I felt in the dream (which rarely happens to me). I had no real interest in being in a relationship with Tanya, but I did enjoy a weird crush from afar for a short period of time.
- Until my last year of graduate school I did not own cologne. If I had a special occasion requiring that I smell especially good (I have always been a regular shower and deodorant person) I would just use a cologne ad from inside a magazine. This was corrected when female members of my student staff informed me that men needed a distinctively positive smell to be associated with them and they took me to the mall to help me pick out mine.
- I am a long time fan of professional wrestling. I use to watch it religiously as a child and then found it again for a few years after I finished my undergraduate degree. I have not watched it much over the last decade, but when flipping channels on a Monday night I have been known stay a while when I come across wrestlers active from the time when I followed it more closely. Part of why I stopped watching it regularly is that I despise the sexism, racism, and homophobia in wrestling just as I do in some reality television and scripted shows, but like I do with those shows I will sometimes watch it anyways.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Is God Laughing At Me?
I do not believe in God. I have not been certain of God's existence since elementary school. Since then I half believed and faked my Christianity until I reached college. My first year of college I allowed myself to officially let go of my Methodist upbringing and all remaining ties to Christianity. I went through a number of years of anger towards Christianity and Christians. My emotions were fueled by the lies I was told in church, the way Christianity was used by some to exclude and judge certain populations (which is still happening to women, LGBT people, and others), and my frustration with feeling duped by those I should have been able to trust.
In my mid-twenties the anger subsided, I began to fully accept people of all faiths, and I reconsidered the question of God. The world seems like a very complex place and very difficult to fully comprehend. The idea that all of this has happened randomly seems hard to believe. At the same time, with nearly two dozen major religions in the world and the likely existence of countless smaller belief systems (all major religions started somewhere), how can someone determine if any one religious tradition has a monopoly on truth? I certainly cannot. In the end, I do not believe in God, but I think there is a chance that one or more exists and I am very comfortable that I will likely never know the truth.
I also do not believe in fate, deja vu, or that everything happens for a reason. It is hard for me to find any the reason for many human behaviors including world wide starvation, massive genocide, and high levels of global violence against women. Even if I could find proof of a God, it would be hard for me to follow a God that allowed these things to happen (I know, I know, free will!). I am also not sure if I believe in miracles, but there appears to be some phenomena that seems impossible to explain.
My bottom line is that I do not know what is true so I currently believe none of it, but I am open to the possibility that someone is right about something and assume that I will never know for sure. In spite of all of this, one of my favorite quotes of all time is:
So what do I believe? Not sure. I believe people are flawed and capable of amazing things. I believe the world has no shortage of inspiring and horrific acts all done at the hands of humans and in some cases, the same people. I believe that our actions impact more people than we know. I see something magical in the mountains, the oceans, and in the eyes of my children. I am glad for every second I am alive, I try to take nothing for granted (though, I still do), and I want to do as much good as I can and get everything possible out of this life because I am counting on nothing after my last breath.
In my mid-twenties the anger subsided, I began to fully accept people of all faiths, and I reconsidered the question of God. The world seems like a very complex place and very difficult to fully comprehend. The idea that all of this has happened randomly seems hard to believe. At the same time, with nearly two dozen major religions in the world and the likely existence of countless smaller belief systems (all major religions started somewhere), how can someone determine if any one religious tradition has a monopoly on truth? I certainly cannot. In the end, I do not believe in God, but I think there is a chance that one or more exists and I am very comfortable that I will likely never know the truth.
I also do not believe in fate, deja vu, or that everything happens for a reason. It is hard for me to find any the reason for many human behaviors including world wide starvation, massive genocide, and high levels of global violence against women. Even if I could find proof of a God, it would be hard for me to follow a God that allowed these things to happen (I know, I know, free will!). I am also not sure if I believe in miracles, but there appears to be some phenomena that seems impossible to explain.
My bottom line is that I do not know what is true so I currently believe none of it, but I am open to the possibility that someone is right about something and assume that I will never know for sure. In spite of all of this, one of my favorite quotes of all time is:
"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." - Woody Allen
I am also extremely fond of the serenity prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."I have no problem with those who have faith, believe in God, or practice an organized religion. I believe individuals and organizations should be held accountable for their actions, and that rule should apply no more or less to religious people or organizations. There are many elements of my Christian upbringing that can still rub me the wrong way, but I also see some positive values that have come of it. Both amazing and horrible things are done by people and organizations in the name of God and you should not lionize or demonize an entire religious tradition either way. I also believe that religious people and non-believers are equally capable of exceptional morality and moral bankruptcy.
So what do I believe? Not sure. I believe people are flawed and capable of amazing things. I believe the world has no shortage of inspiring and horrific acts all done at the hands of humans and in some cases, the same people. I believe that our actions impact more people than we know. I see something magical in the mountains, the oceans, and in the eyes of my children. I am glad for every second I am alive, I try to take nothing for granted (though, I still do), and I want to do as much good as I can and get everything possible out of this life because I am counting on nothing after my last breath.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Finding Fun and Inspiration in the Little Things
The Power and Wonder of Crushes
I am a romantic at heart and have developed a fascination with people having crushes. A crush is someone you feel fondly towards before any mutual feelings start to be established. I have no idea how many crushes I have had over the course of life, but it could be near triple digits. Some have lasted as short as a few hours while others went on for weeks, months, or longer. I have never successfully had a crush evolve into something further. The women I was fortunate enough to find mutual attraction with seemed to like me first (I was often too stupid to notice). I found the courage to share my feelings with the objects of a crushes about two dozen times without any success. The experience of never having a crush reciprocated has left me curious and excited to see other people's crushes evolve into mutual
attraction and eventual relationships.
My crushes that were not acted on were left alone for an assortment of reasons. Most of the short term crushes simply wore off as I learned more about the person that I did not like or did not fit me. In some cases I have had crushes on people who were involved with someone else and would talk myself out of the crush. There were a couple times where I went for it anyway and I shared my feelings with the unavailable, either being brave or stupid, but the results were always the same. The toughest situations were the longer lasting crushes where the hope of something more was present just enough to keep me interested and never enough for me to do something about it.
I am very familiar with the mixed emotions behind a crush. The excitement that comes with finding someone interesting, the curiosity to learn as much as you can about them, the sense of possibility about what might happen, and the joy of each chance you get to spend time with that person. The difficult other side of that coin is the wondering if that person could like you, the concern that each moment has a thousand times more meaning than it probably does, the loss of rational thought, and the waiting for a sign of something to happen either way.
I am not sure if I have had more or less crushes than most. I have always had a natural curiosity about people and for a long time I had a deep unmet longing to be loved. There are two people who had crushes on me and went for it, but I did not reciprocate. I am pretty sure I was an ass in handling those moments and wish I could have done it differently. I am grateful for the kindness of so many of the women who turned me down. Many of these women went on to become my friends.
I do not regret taking a chance on the crushes I did, but my lack of success occasionally did harm to my self-esteem. I sometimes wonder if there were crushes that I did not act on that had a chance of working out for a short while, if only to add a successful experience to my history. I have also pondered if there were people who had crushes on me that I did not know about, and if there were, why did they not say something? At the end of the day, I have no complaints. I more than landed on my feet, my experiences have given me many interesting stories to tell, and I can now safely live vicariously through the crush experiences of others.
My crushes that were not acted on were left alone for an assortment of reasons. Most of the short term crushes simply wore off as I learned more about the person that I did not like or did not fit me. In some cases I have had crushes on people who were involved with someone else and would talk myself out of the crush. There were a couple times where I went for it anyway and I shared my feelings with the unavailable, either being brave or stupid, but the results were always the same. The toughest situations were the longer lasting crushes where the hope of something more was present just enough to keep me interested and never enough for me to do something about it.
I am very familiar with the mixed emotions behind a crush. The excitement that comes with finding someone interesting, the curiosity to learn as much as you can about them, the sense of possibility about what might happen, and the joy of each chance you get to spend time with that person. The difficult other side of that coin is the wondering if that person could like you, the concern that each moment has a thousand times more meaning than it probably does, the loss of rational thought, and the waiting for a sign of something to happen either way.
I am not sure if I have had more or less crushes than most. I have always had a natural curiosity about people and for a long time I had a deep unmet longing to be loved. There are two people who had crushes on me and went for it, but I did not reciprocate. I am pretty sure I was an ass in handling those moments and wish I could have done it differently. I am grateful for the kindness of so many of the women who turned me down. Many of these women went on to become my friends.
I do not regret taking a chance on the crushes I did, but my lack of success occasionally did harm to my self-esteem. I sometimes wonder if there were crushes that I did not act on that had a chance of working out for a short while, if only to add a successful experience to my history. I have also pondered if there were people who had crushes on me that I did not know about, and if there were, why did they not say something? At the end of the day, I have no complaints. I more than landed on my feet, my experiences have given me many interesting stories to tell, and I can now safely live vicariously through the crush experiences of others.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
These Books Are Made For Walking
My weekday routine is pretty consistent. Regardless of how long I have slept I wake up without the use of an alarm clock around 5:30 AM. I make it into the community center a bit after 6:00 AM and start walking the fairly short indoor track. It takes 11 trips around the track to equal one mile and I usually take just under 18 minutes to complete each mile. On most days I walk 6 miles (66 laps) and I almost never miss a day.
These morning walks are an amazing part of my life. I am someone who likes to have time to myself to think and each morning provides me exactly what I need. Most days walking in circles with my thoughts does not fill the entire time (or even most of it) so I use three other methods to entertain and occupy myself as I pass the time.
1. Music - I find music is best at the beginning or end of my walks. Music is especially helpful when I have a lot on my mind. There are a number of songs that automatically lift my spirits or allow me the space to connect my head and heart. I will say more about music another day.
2. Sports Podcast - This is cotton candy escapism that brings me pure pleasure. My favorite is the B.S. Report with Bill Simmons. This is supplemented by sports talk radio shows that I have missed on KFAN. I am especially in a sporting mood around the NFL and NBA drafts or if my Minnesota teams are in the playoffs (which has been a while).
3. Audiobooks - My real love each morning is listening to audiobooks. I never really cared for pleasure reading until my mid-twenties when my thirst for knowledge drove me towards books. I now listen to 12-15 books per year. This past year was the first time I tried fiction books (I loved the Hunger Games and Dragon Tattoo trilogies), but my long standing interests include biographies, historic events, and intellectual books that challenge me to think differently about myself, others, and the world. The fiction books were fun, but the non-fiction books bring me the greatest sense of happiness as I pass each morning hanging on the next discovery of new and interesting information.
I will use this blog to share the discoveries made in these books and the meaning making, reflections, and thoughts that follow. I will also flashback to previous books as past discoveries and lessons find a way into my daily life. My last four books were The Starfish and The Spider, Happier, The Gifts of Imperfection, and Steve Jobs. I am currently listening to Life Itself: A Memoir by Roger Ebert. You can expect a blog post in the near future about what I have discovered over the past week listening to this book.
These morning walks are an amazing part of my life. I am someone who likes to have time to myself to think and each morning provides me exactly what I need. Most days walking in circles with my thoughts does not fill the entire time (or even most of it) so I use three other methods to entertain and occupy myself as I pass the time.
1. Music - I find music is best at the beginning or end of my walks. Music is especially helpful when I have a lot on my mind. There are a number of songs that automatically lift my spirits or allow me the space to connect my head and heart. I will say more about music another day.
2. Sports Podcast - This is cotton candy escapism that brings me pure pleasure. My favorite is the B.S. Report with Bill Simmons. This is supplemented by sports talk radio shows that I have missed on KFAN. I am especially in a sporting mood around the NFL and NBA drafts or if my Minnesota teams are in the playoffs (which has been a while).
3. Audiobooks - My real love each morning is listening to audiobooks. I never really cared for pleasure reading until my mid-twenties when my thirst for knowledge drove me towards books. I now listen to 12-15 books per year. This past year was the first time I tried fiction books (I loved the Hunger Games and Dragon Tattoo trilogies), but my long standing interests include biographies, historic events, and intellectual books that challenge me to think differently about myself, others, and the world. The fiction books were fun, but the non-fiction books bring me the greatest sense of happiness as I pass each morning hanging on the next discovery of new and interesting information.
I will use this blog to share the discoveries made in these books and the meaning making, reflections, and thoughts that follow. I will also flashback to previous books as past discoveries and lessons find a way into my daily life. My last four books were The Starfish and The Spider, Happier, The Gifts of Imperfection, and Steve Jobs. I am currently listening to Life Itself: A Memoir by Roger Ebert. You can expect a blog post in the near future about what I have discovered over the past week listening to this book.
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