Both Sides of Bullying

I have the experience of being on both sides of the bullying experience.  I have felt a great deal of shame about it in the past and some of that emotion is creeping in as I start to write this post.  For most of my adult life I have rarely talked or thought about either side of this coin, but having children has made it a relevant subject again and one I have explored internally the last couple years.

My oldest daughter Neala just finished the 1st grade and has been a part of the after school program at the YMCA the last two years.  Every Thursday during the school year the YMCA engages the kids around bullying in an effort to prevent kids from ending up on either side of what is an awful reality for far too many youth.

When you have kids you want so much for them to be healthy, happy, and engaged in learning all the wonderful things life has to offer.  Since Neala started preschool I have found myself extremely interested and invested in her finding good friends.  While I want her to learn to read, write, and do arithmetic, I have tended to ask her more questions about who she hangs out with, is she friendly to the kids that others do not like, and was anyone mean to her that day.  When she is happy and engaged with great friends it brings me joy and relief.  On the days where someone has hurt her feelings or been mean to her it breaks my heart.

I think my investment in Neala's experience comes from my own experience with bullying.  I am not sure when it started, but I was part of a small group that would bully a young boy my age in the years before I finished 4th grade.  I do not remember much of what we did, but I remember it being pretty mean.  As far as I know he did nothing to bring it on (like that would make it okay) and I believe he was targeted by the neighborhood kids because he and his family were considered different and weird.  I have had many deep regrets over the course of my lifetime and how I treated this young boy may be at the top of the list.

When I moved to a new area after the 4th grade I soon found myself on the other end of bullying.  I really struggled when we moved going from a top dog in my elementary school to a nobody in my new school.  I also started to put on considerable weight during this time and was required to wear glasses.  I am not sure when I started to be bullied, but I have a couple powerful memories of being targeted on my basketball team in 5th or 6th grade.  Some of the more talented and popular kids started calling me grunt and would not let up.  It caused me to quit playing basketball.  I also remember a popular guy early in middle school (we called it junior high back then) who seemed to target me every chance he could because of my weight.

I am not exactly sure when the bullying ended, but I believe it was later in middle school when I found a core group of friends that helped me fit in.  The impact of bullying was very hard.  I can remember a healthy amount of crying at night and comfort eating to manage the pain.  The crying eventually ended (see post here on crying), but the desire to eat comfort food in the face of internal pain has lived on.

I am not sure why I was a bully and I deeply wish it was not a part of my past.  I feel confident that I was bullied because of my weight and some struggles I had fitting in.  As I reflect on who I am today, one of the ways I connect to people now in through playful teasing.  I am very quick to think of a clever and funny lines and can be very biting, especially in the midst of a back and forth with someone.  I try to take exceptional care to not do any harm to people and I am sure I sometimes fail this personal expectation.  People have been surprised when I check to make sure I did not cross the line or when I make a special effort to validate them after some teasing, but I think my experience as a youth has made me nervous that I could unknowingly hit the wrong spot and sensitive to what it feels like when that happens.