Is God Laughing At Me?

I do not believe in God.  I have not been certain of God's existence since elementary school.  Since then I half believed and faked my Christianity until I reached college.  My first year of college I allowed myself to officially let go of my Methodist upbringing and all remaining ties to Christianity.  I went through a number of years of anger towards Christianity and Christians.  My emotions were fueled by the lies I was told in church, the way Christianity was used by some to exclude and judge certain populations (which is still happening to women, LGBT people, and others), and my frustration with feeling duped by those I should have been able to trust.

In my mid-twenties the anger subsided, I began to fully accept people of all faiths, and I reconsidered the question of God.  The world seems like a very complex place and very difficult to fully comprehend.  The idea that all of this has happened randomly seems hard to believe.  At the same time, with nearly two dozen major religions in the world and the likely existence of countless smaller belief systems (all major religions started somewhere), how can someone determine if any one religious tradition has a monopoly on truth?  I certainly cannot.  In the end, I do not believe in God, but I think there is a chance that one or more exists and I am very comfortable that I will likely never know the truth.

I also do not believe in fate, deja vu, or that everything happens for a reason.  It is hard for me to find any the reason for many human behaviors including world wide starvation, massive genocide, and high levels of global violence against women.  Even if I could find proof of a God, it would be hard for me to follow a God that allowed these things to happen (I know, I know, free will!).  I am also not sure if I believe in miracles, but there appears to be some phenomena that seems impossible to explain.

My bottom line is that I do not know what is true so I currently believe none of it, but I am open to the possibility that someone is right about something and assume that I will never know for sure.  In spite of all of this, one of my favorite quotes of all time is:

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." - Woody Allen

I am also extremely fond of the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

I have no problem with those who have faith, believe in God, or practice an organized religion.  I believe individuals and organizations should be held accountable for their actions, and that rule should apply no more or less to religious people or organizations.  There are many elements of my Christian upbringing that can still rub me the wrong way, but I also see some positive values that have come of it.  Both amazing and horrible things are done by people and organizations in the name of God and you should not lionize or demonize an entire religious tradition either way.  I also believe that religious people and non-believers are equally capable of exceptional morality and moral bankruptcy.

So what do I believe?  Not sure.  I believe people are flawed and capable of amazing things.  I believe the world has no shortage of inspiring and horrific acts all done at the hands of humans and in some cases, the same people.  I believe that our actions impact more people than we know.  I see something magical in the mountains, the oceans, and in the eyes of my children.  I am glad for every second I am alive, I try to take nothing for granted (though, I still do), and I want to do as much good as I can and get everything possible out of this life because I am counting on nothing after my last breath.