Where Things Stand: A Look Under the Hood

As if you could not tell, I am really enjoying this blog.  It is something that I have wanted to do for years and I finally had the courage to take the plunge.  Lets be honest, starting a blog is not a high risk venture, but it has required some vulnerability.  I have put myself out there without any certainty of what people would think or how people would respond to what I wrote.  I also had no idea if anyone would want to read it and if they did, whether or not they would share or talk about what they read with others.

I created the blog through blogger.com and they allow you to see how many people have read each post and the blog overall.  Part of why I am writing this post is that the blog passed 1000 total views this evening and it is my 25th overall posting.  That is pretty exciting.  While I have found that writing this blog has meant something to me regardless of whether or not someone reads it, the fact is that anyone who publishes their writings wants them to be read and I am so grateful to everyone who has taken the time to read something thus far.

I am also an old school sports statistics nerd, so I find the numbers to be fun.  Of the over 1000 views of the blog so far, about 75% of them were direct links from the blog achieve or from one of my postings on Facebook or Twitter.  The other 25% were people who opened up the main page (likely from a link using the home address or a bookmark).  I have 3 subscribers (thanks!) and have had 4 comments posted (also thanks!).  I am not sure what I expected in terms of comments as I have never run a blog, but they are clearly much less common than on facebook and I think I expected a few more than I have gotten.  No worries, I have been able to adjust my expectations since it started.

The blog posts that have been viewed the most:
Do These Embarrassing Facts Make Me Unworthy (70 views)
On Love and Being a Parent (67 views)
Is God Laughing at Me (62 views)
The Power and Wonder of Crushes (54 views)
Both Sides of Bullying (52 views)
Am I the Only Person Who Has Ever... (52 views)

The posts with the fewest views:
Getting Started (my first post, 17 views)
I have always wanted a tattoo and will probably never get one (21 views)
My two newest posts from last night and today (which people are still checking out)
Making the Choice to Provide Fewer Choices (22 views)
All I Want For Fathers Day is a Nickname (22 views)

Here are a couple posts that I am extremely proud of that did not get the views I had hoped because of bad titles, topics without much interest, or poor timing of my posts to Facebook and Twitter:
Tuesdays with Morrie and My Fuller Life (26 views)
When Someone Believes in You (24 views)

I know each of the posts noted above has been read more than the number of views listed because 25% of the blog traffic has come from people who have either followed a link to the home page or who have the home page bookmarked.

For the most part people have been extremely supportive of this new venture, but I can tell that some people do not know what to think.  I generally hope to post 4-6 entries a week, but we will see.  So far there is not shortage of content.  At any given time I have 5-7 drafts started and try to find time to finish them when I can.  The time taken to do this has mostly come out of my meaningless television watching schedule.  I stink at proofreading, so I usually have to space out a couple quick final reads to try and catch as many of my mistakes as possible.

Starting this blog was part of a greater effort I am making to be more active in following my passions and going after what I want in life.  The first two weeks have validated my decision to do this and caused me to wonder what I have missed in the past by being too scared of embarrassment, failure, or what people might think.  I know that some people have loved the blog posts and others probably have had their feelings about my own sense of self importance validated.  The bottom line for me is that I am loving this experience and I always look forward to the next post after finishing the last one.

Making the Choice to Provide Fewer Choices

One of the best things about working with extremely talent people is that they have the ability to make you a better person and professional.  A couple of weeks ago I was talking with one of our staff, Laura Wiesner, and she introduced me to the concept of the paralysis of choice.  As smart and talented as Laura is, I had a hard time believing that providing people with too many choices could be a bad thing.

I usually see nothing but choices around every corner and that generally excites me.  Something as simple as my commute to work involves choices based on choices based on choices.  Every problem I see has a number of possible solutions and each possible path includes new choices that must be considered.  As someone who has tried to coach people through challenges, I have usually made providing choices the heart of how I help people.  The more choices available and the more I get excited for the opportunities the other person has to pick from.

The amazing Ted Talk below by Barry Schwartz and another one by Sheena Iyengar (both suggested to me by Laura) have turned my knowledge and understanding of choices upside down.  Having unlimited or extensive choices can actually provide people a great deal of stress and make it impossible for people to make a decision.  We often do not know where to start and are afraid to make the wrong decision.  Even after we make a choice we sometimes fail to enjoy the benefits of that choice because we wonder what would have happened if we made a different choice.

This not a call for dictatorship or the end of personal freedom, but the best choices are the ones that are bounded by some sort of limits.  If we are offered a small number of the best choices to consider, we are better able to make an actual decision.  There is a point, and it is different for everyone, where the number of choices we are provided goes from being helpful to paralyzing.

I saw this happen first hand this past week when I was in Washington DC for a work conference.  Someone new to the city was asking where they should get off the subway to see the sites.  I started listing the best stops for the White House, Washington Monument, Smithsonian Air and Space Museum, and the Capital Building.  With each option I provided I saw this person's expression drop lower and lower.  Thankfully, I caught myself, and told her exactly what I would do and that seemed to help her relax.  She was still free to make whatever choice she wanted, but knowing my choice took away the pressure of having to get it right and gave her a default position to start from.

I still believe in providing people the freedom to make decisions, but I now plan to reconsider how I provide people with choices.  If I provide people with options or suggestions, I plan to narrow the overall number or provide some structure to help make the decision.  The last thing I want to do is paralyze someone's thinking especially when my goal is to help empower them.

All I Want for Fathers Day is a Nickname

I cannot overstate how much I enjoy nicknames.  In my perfect world everyone would have a nickname that would be embraced by the owner and all possible users.  I am a regular giver and user of nicknames.  I see them as a sign of affection and a reflection of personal closeness and familiarity.  In using a nickname I mean no disrespect to given names and know those often come with important meaning for individuals and families.

Nicknames come to people in many different ways.  The classic is the use of last name in full, part, or slightly modified as a nickname.  This is probably the most common way to obtain a nickname (aside from shorting or slightly modifying your given first name), but that does not diminish its quality.  So many people have such interesting or fitting last names.  In the past, as I started to get to know someone, I would usually try out a nickname based on their last name just to see how it felt for them and for me.  Sadly, the people I generally meet for the first time now are at least my age and it is likely that the last name possibilities have already been resolved before I met them.

Some of the best nicknames are earned in the midst of a defining moment or slip of the tongue with your friends or family.  Others evolve based on critical characteristics about an individual's habits, interests, or personality.  There is also a special category of people who are always referred to by their first and last name together.  Even though these are their given names, I believe that when you feel compelled to exclusively say their first and last name together that essentially functions as a nickname.

Unfortunately, some nicknames are given to others out of meanness and are used behind people's backs out of spite.  I am guilty of doing this sometimes myself and it is not something I am proud of.  Much like the powers of a superhero, nicknames can be used for good or evil.

I have never had a nickname stick.  As noted in an earlier blog post on bullying, I was called Grunt for a while as a child and that hurt.  In my early and middle twenties my friends looked for nicknames that made use of the G in my name resulting in G-Money, G-Rant, and G-Spot being taken out for unsuccessful test drives.  In recent years, some have made a play on email address type names like "ganderson," but nothing has found widespread appeal.  The closest thing I have to a nickname is the single letter G that I use to sign most emails.  I think it is fair to say that I have a healthy amount of envy of those who have achieved a meaningful and sustained nickname.

This does lead me to the last type of nickname I can think of, those who use two initials from their full name.  These might be my favorite.  Every time I meet someone who is able to pull off a PJ, TJ, RJ, or CJ I am excited for them (I also wonder why the letter J is so special).  My interest in this type of nickname is so strong that I put a significant amount of my child naming energy and time into trying to find acceptable names that could be shortened into the use of just two initials.  Unfortunately for me, I failed at this task.

Assuming that I am too old to find a nickname for myself and that I hopefully never have the chance again to name a child, I do have one last nickname task to complete.  I want to find an appropriate home for the nickname "Scooter."  While it would best fit a Scott, I am open to finding it the right home with someone of any name.  Unfortunately, this task was made more difficult when the most famous Scooter in the world turned out to be a criminal.  In honor of nicknames everywhere, here is one of the best Seinfeld scenes by one of the most famous last name as nickname people ever, Cosmo Kramer.

Confession: I am a Nerd

For years I have lived in denial of an important fact, I am a nerd.  I am not sure what I thought I was before realizing I was a nerd, but I think it is time to come clean.  It is possible that I am the last person to realize this as I believe that sometimes others see things in us long before we see them in ourselves.

Here is a breakdown of some of the criteria I have mentally sorted through in making this powerful conclusion (I am sure people who know me well could add items to both sides of this argument):

• I like playing and watching sports, a lot - Not a Nerd
• I like sports statistics, a lot - Nerd
• I like listening to sports talk radio - Nerd
• I like Star Wars, Star Trek, and almost anything else with "star" in the title - Nerd
• I like reading books about research on the human experience - Nerd
• I watch the Sunday morning political talk shows most weeks - Nerd
• I can connect with any person on just about any topic - Not a Nerd
• I have a healthy sense of adventure - Not a Nerd
• I love watching and learning from Ted Talks - Nerd
• I enjoy reality television, especially Survivor, Storage Wars, the Deadliest Catch, and Whale Wars - Nerd
• I have very good hand eye coordination - Not a Nerd
• I love both learning and sharing obscure facts - Nerd
• I am really good at making just about anyone laugh regardless of their mood - Not a Nerd
• I really enjoy reading biographies and historic non-fiction - Nerd
• I get excited about new technology - Nerd
• I have rhythm - Not a Nerd
• I listen to sports podcasts - Nerd
• I love research and statistics about just about everything - Nerd
• I can be the life of just about any party - Not a Nerd
• I can get places using my words that I cannot get with my mind - Not a Nerd
• I dreamed of starting a blog and finally did it - Super Nerd
• I could not help adding this next sentence - Nerd 

Some of what is above no doubt is rooted in gender norms/stereotypes, cultural bias, and other problematic thinking.  I do not think anything described above is a problem for me or others, but I am pretty sure it places me into the cultural category of being a nerd.  Besides, only a nerd would take the time sitting on a plane to make this list, post it on the internet, and then ask people to read it.

Things No One Told Me About Being a Parent

There is no doubt that becoming a parent has been the most challenging, interesting, and wonderful journey of my life.  I did not realize I could care for and love another human being the way I do my children.  In preparing to have children I spent a significant amount of time reading the official "you're having a baby" handbook What to Expect When You're Expecting.  For a guy who has an unreasonable amount of curiosity and questions (and researches every big decision to death), this book was exceptional.  The same people continued the book series by exploring the 1st year, 2nd year, and beyond.

I was once a kid, have younger siblings, and knew plenty of people who had kids before me including both my siblings.  I attended the parenting classes, saw many thoughtful reality and scripted television shows about families, and reflected a lot about being a parent before becoming one.  In spite of all the advice, life experience, planning, and research, there were many things I had to learn about parenting on the fly.  Here are two examples that stand out:

• Their body and your body are in constant danger of injury.  Kids do not always have good control of their bodies, nor do they understand what causes pain for themselves and others.  As a result, I have seen and taken small injuries to almost every part of the body.  I am pretty sure my groin has taken the most frequent damage, but it is possible that those moments have just left a greater sense of trauma in my mind.  I can assure you that my "protect myself" reflex to guard every part of my body, and especially my groin, is as strong as it has ever been.

• It is such a different experience with the second child.  All of the media and resources talk about how much less stress you will experience about every little cry or sore spot.  I would agree that is true.  What no one told me was that when you have a second child, you miss out on a key element you had with your first child, time to build a one on one relationship.  In my case, I had a little over 3 years to focus exclusively on my relationship with my first daughter.  When the second child arrived, the alone time we had together was extremely limited and most of our relationship building has been done with others around.  It has made the alone time we have together now that much more special.  I would add that early on the second child is way more than twice as much work (more like 5x).  When they get old enough to entertain each other it slowly works its way to only twice as much work, but I would say that took about 3 years and I am sure it is different for everyone based on spacing.

My children are worth every injury and moment of work.  I am so grateful to have my second child Hayden in my life and was inspired to finish this entry thinking of her on her 4th birthday.  One of my favorite movies (educational resources?) about family and being a parent is Parenthood.  This is a must see movie and below in one of the many cathartic scenes from the movie.

Tuesdays with Morrie and My Fuller Life

For the first quarter century of my life I almost never read books for pleasure or to find meaning.  I basically only read books required for school and while I found plenty of them interesting, it never felt like I was reading for myself.  I learned a couple years ago when reading the amazing book Punished by Rewards that when people feel controlled or manipulated into certain behaviors that it diminishes the internal motivation to engage in those behaviors on their own.  Forced into reading for my own educational good and to obtain a degree made the idea of self directed reading out of the question.  For those who are interested, Dan Pink and Ken Robinson (also here) provide more clarity on these and similar issues.

In spite of my stunted motivation about reading, I was inspired by some friends in the late 1990's to read the book Tuesdays with Morrie.  The book is about a series of conversations exploring the meaning of life between a dying teacher (Morrie) and his former student (Mitch).  Reading this book was one of the most important decisions I have made in my life.  I realize that is a lofty statement and it might involve me being overly romantic about the importance of the past decisions, but it was a very critical book to me.  Based on how much I enjoyed the book it put me on a path to engage in self directed reading from that point forward.  The result has been dozens of books (probably over 100) that have made my life more interesting, meaningful, and pleasurable.

This book also made me realize how much I want to be both a student and teacher in the classroom of life.  There are so many mysteries about life that I want to explore endlessly: love, death, friendship, fear, joy, anticipation, humor, tragedy, etc.  I have and want to continue to learn about these and other aspects of life from teacher/mentors, family/friends, co-workers/students, and books/videos.  Just as important to me is to teach the lessons I have learned to others and to explore these types of issues in trusted partnerships where the lines of student and teacher are blurred.  In the book Morrie was the teacher and Mitch was the student, and most days the relationship stayed that way, but it was clear that Morrie was learning along with Mitch and I have often had that same experience in my personal and work life.

While exploring the amazing Ted Talks of Brene Brown and her book The Gifts of Imperfection I found myself again thinking of Tuesdays with Morrie.  One of Dr. Brown's key research findings is that we have to make ourselves vulnerable enough to experience all emotions, including the best and worst feelings life has to offer.  If we numb ourselves from what hurts we also numb ourselves to happiness and joy.  Her research is pretty clear that you cannot just experience the highs of life and avoid the lows.  It is all or nothing.  Morrie shared a similar message when discussing emotions with  Mitch:

"By throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely.  You know what pain is.  You know what love in.  You know what grief is.  And the only thing you can say, 'All right, I have experienced that emotion.  I recognize that emotion.  Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"

Another important thread in the book is the topic of death.  As I noted in this earlier post, I have had a long standing fascination with death.  "Everybody knows they're going to die," Morrie said, "but nobody believes it.  If we did, we would do things differently." He later added "Do what the Buddhists do.  Every day, have a little bird on your shoulder that asks, 'is today the day? Am I ready? Am I doing all I need to do? Am I being the person I want to be?'"  He hammers home the point by saying

"learn how to die, and you learn how to live."

Tuesdays with Morrie has given me the priceless gift of a fuller life.  It challenged the way I experience emotions, it gave me the strength to cry again, it caused me to embrace a life long purpose of teaching and learning, and introduced me the endless gifts found in books.  Most important it caused me to enjoy and find meaning in the daily ride of life as much as possible.

Both Sides of Bullying

I have the experience of being on both sides of the bullying experience.  I have felt a great deal of shame about it in the past and some of that emotion is creeping in as I start to write this post.  For most of my adult life I have rarely talked or thought about either side of this coin, but having children has made it a relevant subject again and one I have explored internally the last couple years.

My oldest daughter Neala just finished the 1st grade and has been a part of the after school program at the YMCA the last two years.  Every Thursday during the school year the YMCA engages the kids around bullying in an effort to prevent kids from ending up on either side of what is an awful reality for far too many youth.

When you have kids you want so much for them to be healthy, happy, and engaged in learning all the wonderful things life has to offer.  Since Neala started preschool I have found myself extremely interested and invested in her finding good friends.  While I want her to learn to read, write, and do arithmetic, I have tended to ask her more questions about who she hangs out with, is she friendly to the kids that others do not like, and was anyone mean to her that day.  When she is happy and engaged with great friends it brings me joy and relief.  On the days where someone has hurt her feelings or been mean to her it breaks my heart.

I think my investment in Neala's experience comes from my own experience with bullying.  I am not sure when it started, but I was part of a small group that would bully a young boy my age in the years before I finished 4th grade.  I do not remember much of what we did, but I remember it being pretty mean.  As far as I know he did nothing to bring it on (like that would make it okay) and I believe he was targeted by the neighborhood kids because he and his family were considered different and weird.  I have had many deep regrets over the course of my lifetime and how I treated this young boy may be at the top of the list.

When I moved to a new area after the 4th grade I soon found myself on the other end of bullying.  I really struggled when we moved going from a top dog in my elementary school to a nobody in my new school.  I also started to put on considerable weight during this time and was required to wear glasses.  I am not sure when I started to be bullied, but I have a couple powerful memories of being targeted on my basketball team in 5th or 6th grade.  Some of the more talented and popular kids started calling me grunt and would not let up.  It caused me to quit playing basketball.  I also remember a popular guy early in middle school (we called it junior high back then) who seemed to target me every chance he could because of my weight.

I am not exactly sure when the bullying ended, but I believe it was later in middle school when I found a core group of friends that helped me fit in.  The impact of bullying was very hard.  I can remember a healthy amount of crying at night and comfort eating to manage the pain.  The crying eventually ended (see post here on crying), but the desire to eat comfort food in the face of internal pain has lived on.

I am not sure why I was a bully and I deeply wish it was not a part of my past.  I feel confident that I was bullied because of my weight and some struggles I had fitting in.  As I reflect on who I am today, one of the ways I connect to people now in through playful teasing.  I am very quick to think of a clever and funny lines and can be very biting, especially in the midst of a back and forth with someone.  I try to take exceptional care to not do any harm to people and I am sure I sometimes fail this personal expectation.  People have been surprised when I check to make sure I did not cross the line or when I make a special effort to validate them after some teasing, but I think my experience as a youth has made me nervous that I could unknowingly hit the wrong spot and sensitive to what it feels like when that happens.

The False Romance of History

The other day I witnessed the occasional occurrence of overhearing an older white man say to someone else how much better this country was in the past.  At this point it does not even phase me anymore.  I have heard it said in person or referenced in politics far too often in my adult life for it to frustrate me the way it use to.  Sadly, his statement is not true for so many people.  I will grant you that many straight, white, Christian (protestant), able bodied, middle/upper class, men probably did have it better in the past than they do today.  Less competition for jobs and resources, a simpler sense of the way the world worked and where they stood on top of the national food chain, and the ability to see built advantages in the system as a normal experience for people like them.  I just wish this man and others who have said similar things would be clear and note that the days of yesteryear were amazing for him and many people like him, but for most other people the past was not a better or easier time.  It strikes me that he and so many others might not know the stains of the history of violence against women and peoples of color, widespread antisemitism, and the exploitation of immigrants of all races (just to name a few of the many groups of people targeted throughout this country's history).  No one makes this case better or more funny than Louis CK (below).

Sometimes I Wish I Could Have a Good Cry

I am jealous of those who are able to cry.  I can remember crying a fair amount prior to reaching high school and then rarely or never doing so for about a decade.  I am not exactly sure what broke the dam of tears, but I credit the end of the book Tuesdays with Morrie with making crying possible again.  As a side note, Tuesdays with Morrie might be the most meaningful book of my twenties and is one that you should be sure to read if you missed it.



I am still not a regular crier, but I have my moments.  I find that movies and music provide the best catalysts for an ocular discharge of salty fluids.  In film, a range of moments can lead to tears.  This can include people falling in love, relationship heartbreak, death, and hopelessness.  The most common source of movie tears is when I am inspired by moments of courage and overcoming struggle.  Music is very different.  Music can transport me back to the emotions from places and times in my past.  In many cases, what I feel now from the music is stronger than the emotions I felt at the time.

I am still learning to be more authentic and vulnerable with my emotions.  Rarely do I find myself in tears due to the fear, frustration, pain, and sadness in my own life.  I have those feelings, but the crying does not come naturally.  When it has happened, it is very liberating.  When I witness the emotions of others, I usually have one of two responses.  My most typical response is to try and be extremely supportive of the person crying and to create as much comfort as possible for the emotions to go wherever they need to go.  Occasionally, at my most authentic and vulnerable, I will be deeply touched by the moment and find myself in the midst of my own emotional response to it.  Thankfully, the discomfort I was taught and use to feel when someone starts to cry has all but disappeared.

I think it is unfortunate that we socialize boys and men to avoid and deny the need to cry.  I enjoy the way the Seinfeld clip above and Flight of the Concords music video below playfully challenge and mock this notion.  It is not likely that I will ever be completely liberated from my socialization as a male when it comes to my own crying, but things are moving in the right direction and who knows where I will end up.

Doing it for the Story

Sometimes you just have to do it for the story.  This is a phrase that has been uttered countless times  by a close group of my friends.  This mantra has not always had positive results, but I love the spirit behind it and more often than not it pays off.  Life is a daily series of opportunities and decisions that can have echos that last a lifetime.  The best moments create stories that people can relive well into the future.  Doing it for the story is usually invoked as the final push needed in order to get someone to be bold, take a risk, or go after something they really want.  Our lives are filled with so many chances to live out loud and sometimes we need a little nudge in order to go for it.

The Ted Talk below uses research to reinforce the idea that we should be living to create positive memories for ourselves and others.  While happiness in the moment is nice, creating memories that can span the test of time allows us to capture that emotion and let it live on.  I am really looking forward to spending some time with some close friends this weekend.  I hope we are able to make some new memories and if we are debating whether or not to do something, maybe we will make the decision to do it for the story.

Am I the Only Person Who Has Ever...

One of the hardest parts of feeling shame is the loneliness.  Not only do we feel that we are not worthy of acceptance because of what we have done, thought, felt, or experienced, but we often feel like we might be the only person we know who feels or has ever felt that way.  Shame has the ability to be terribly isolating because of the power of silence.  We feel if we share our shame people will not accept us or value us the same.  Our decision not to share with trusted people how we feel removes any chance of connecting with people around what hurts and worries us.  Sometimes we might be the only person we has experienced our shame, but I am guessing that is much more rare than we think and sharing our shame with someone we trust will help regardless.  One element I hope to achieve with this blog is to normalize the complexity of life.  We have all felt anxiety, embarrassment, guilt, regret, sadness, stress, and shame.  I am also guessing that more people than we know have felt these emotions about the same things we have.

Here is a short list of thoughts and feeling I have had before that I rarely or never shared with people at the time I had them.  The lack of sharing meant that instead of healthy feelings of doubt, guilt, and regret, I was often feeling a sense of shame, a lack of human connection and worthiness, and very alone.

Am I the only person who has ever wondered...

why am I not a better person
why can't I be a better parent
why my children behave more poorly than other children
why my relationship does not seem as happy or healthy as other people I know
why can't I find the right relationship
why are there some things I cannot get right
why can't I learn to eat healthier
why am I not happier at work
why does my family have so many problems
why do I not take better care of myself
why do I get so down on myself
why am I not better at my job
why am I not as happy as other people
why do I keep making the same mistakes
why do I not feel as smart as other people
why do I not feel as together as other people
why did I say something stupid
why did I do that (any and all the things you have done that you feel embarrassed about)
why do I keep my shame to myself

The other day someone teased me (in a friendly way) about how I like to help people by drawing connections between their difficult situations and the situations I have dealt with in the past.  I thought that was a very keen observation and absolutely true.  Life is filled with some many amazing ups and extremely difficult downs.  I think many or most of us keep those downs to ourselves and the silence results in us feeling shame.  That shame has a toxic ripple effect on our lives diminishing our confidence, making it difficult to make authentic connections with people, and preventing us from experiencing joy and happiness.  I feel if I can make a connection with someone around their difficulties they will not feel alone and might realize the next time trouble hits that they are again likely not alone in feeling that way.

Much of what I learned on this subject has come in the last 6 months from Brene Brown.  I have referenced her early and often in the blog, a trend that will likely continue.  If you have not gotten to know Dr. Brown, I strongly encourage you to watch her two Ted Talks and when you are done read her book The Gifts of Imperfection.  Earlier I posted her talk on vulnerability and below is her talk on shame:

When Someone Believes In You

When I decided to listen to the audiobook for Roger Ebert's Life Itself: A Memoir, I am not sure what I expected.  I love movies and always enjoyed his shows.  I have been following him on twitter for a couple years and generally appreciate his observations and politics.  I was aware that he had overcome significant medical complications and seemed to be living his life as fully as possible.

I just finished the book today and had a number of observations.  I am not sure how many I will blog about, but one theme of the book that really stood out is how important it was for Roger to have people believed in him.  He had key moments throughout his life (school, work, health problems, etc.) when people demonstrated how much they believed in him with both their actions and words.  The results of these moments was increased confidence, professional success, and overall affirmation of his worthiness as a person.  This is especially true after he survived cancer and three fail surgeries that followed.  If not for the belief in him by his wife Chaz and dear friends like Studs Terkel it seems clear that he might not have survived or gone on to eventually thrive.

As I was listening to the book I was reminded of seeing the compelling short video story (worth watching) of Tererai Trent a couple years ago and then seeing her speak last year at Gallup's Strengths in Education Conference in Omaha, NE.  Tererai's story is amazing.  She grew up in Zimbabwe and was denied the opportunity to get an education because that privilege was reserved for males.  She managed to learn anyway by doing her brother's homework and eventually found a path to education for herself.  One key to her story was that at a critical point in her life someone believed in her.  Tererai should get all the credit she deserves for her remarkable success and I do not generally believe in the idea of saviors, but it was clear how critical it was to have someone believe in her ability to be successful.

My path has also been paved by people who believed in me.  I am reminded of key teachers, wonderful supervisors, important mentors, and trusted friends and loved ones.  Without their belief in me I do not think I would be where I am today which is generally happy and successful.  Any positive impact I have had and will have on the world will have been possible because of them.  I have kept this in mind the last few years and have made one of my core missions to try to be someone in people's lives who believes in them. 

I am fortunate that I have a number of people in my life who believe in me and that I was generally taught as a child to believe in myself.  I have come to understand this is not the case for many people.  There are times I have been hurtful, petty, and selfish towards others, but I believe I have evolved significantly and continue to grow as a person.  I now want to be someone who helps lift people up, encourages people to follow their passions, and is a positive force in people's lives.  Above all else, I want people to know that I authentically believe in their capacity for happiness and success and that the power to achieve those things can be found in believing in themselves.

Do These Embarassing Facts Make Me Unworthy?

Brene Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging."  In her Ted Talks as well in her book The Gifts of Imperfection she making a compelling case for the need we each have for vulnerability, worthiness, and wholehearted living.  She also discusses what prevents us from getting there: shame.

Dr. Brown goes further to say that what gives shame its ultimate power is silence.  We are afraid that if people know certain things about us that they will not care for us or believe in us anymore.  We feel that what we have done, thought, or felt will make us unworthy to those from whom we crave worthiness.

This entire blog experiment is an exercise in trying to be vulnerable and live without shame.  I thought it would be fun to conduct a mini experiment and list some interesting things about me here that only some people know.  In the past the items below have resulted in some feelings of shame.  I would like to think I am completely beyond these feelings, but as I started to generate a list of possible items and tried to decide what would make the cut the echos of shame could still be felt for a few items.  Will I still be worthy of your acceptance after you read the items below?  I guess we will find out.

With no further ado, here are three fun and interesting nuggets about me that have resulted in some level of shame in the past and now live on as pure entertainment...

• I once had a crush on Tanya Harding that started just after she became a global pariah.  It began after an unexpected and exceptionally realistic dream about her and I being a couple.  I woke up remembering all of the emotions I felt in the dream (which rarely happens to me).  I had no real interest in being in a relationship with Tanya, but I did enjoy a weird crush from afar for a short period of time.
• Until my last year of graduate school I did not own cologne.  If I had a special occasion requiring that I smell especially good (I have always been a regular shower and deodorant person) I would just use a cologne ad from inside a magazine.  This was corrected when female members of my student staff informed me that men needed a distinctively positive smell to be associated with them and they took me to the mall to help me pick out mine.
• I am a long time fan of professional wrestling.  I use to watch it religiously as a child and then found it again for a few years after I finished my undergraduate degree.  I have not watched it much over the last decade, but when flipping channels on a Monday night I have been known stay a while when I come across wrestlers active from the time when I followed it more closely.  Part of why I stopped watching it regularly is that I despise the sexism, racism, and homophobia in wrestling just as I do in some reality television and scripted shows, but like I do with those shows I will sometimes watch it anyways.

Is God Laughing At Me?

I do not believe in God.  I have not been certain of God's existence since elementary school.  Since then I half believed and faked my Christianity until I reached college.  My first year of college I allowed myself to officially let go of my Methodist upbringing and all remaining ties to Christianity.  I went through a number of years of anger towards Christianity and Christians.  My emotions were fueled by the lies I was told in church, the way Christianity was used by some to exclude and judge certain populations (which is still happening to women, LGBT people, and others), and my frustration with feeling duped by those I should have been able to trust.

In my mid-twenties the anger subsided, I began to fully accept people of all faiths, and I reconsidered the question of God.  The world seems like a very complex place and very difficult to fully comprehend.  The idea that all of this has happened randomly seems hard to believe.  At the same time, with nearly two dozen major religions in the world and the likely existence of countless smaller belief systems (all major religions started somewhere), how can someone determine if any one religious tradition has a monopoly on truth?  I certainly cannot.  In the end, I do not believe in God, but I think there is a chance that one or more exists and I am very comfortable that I will likely never know the truth.

I also do not believe in fate, deja vu, or that everything happens for a reason.  It is hard for me to find any the reason for many human behaviors including world wide starvation, massive genocide, and high levels of global violence against women.  Even if I could find proof of a God, it would be hard for me to follow a God that allowed these things to happen (I know, I know, free will!).  I am also not sure if I believe in miracles, but there appears to be some phenomena that seems impossible to explain.

My bottom line is that I do not know what is true so I currently believe none of it, but I am open to the possibility that someone is right about something and assume that I will never know for sure.  In spite of all of this, one of my favorite quotes of all time is:

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans." - Woody Allen

I am also extremely fond of the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

I have no problem with those who have faith, believe in God, or practice an organized religion.  I believe individuals and organizations should be held accountable for their actions, and that rule should apply no more or less to religious people or organizations.  There are many elements of my Christian upbringing that can still rub me the wrong way, but I also see some positive values that have come of it.  Both amazing and horrible things are done by people and organizations in the name of God and you should not lionize or demonize an entire religious tradition either way.  I also believe that religious people and non-believers are equally capable of exceptional morality and moral bankruptcy.

So what do I believe?  Not sure.  I believe people are flawed and capable of amazing things.  I believe the world has no shortage of inspiring and horrific acts all done at the hands of humans and in some cases, the same people.  I believe that our actions impact more people than we know.  I see something magical in the mountains, the oceans, and in the eyes of my children.  I am glad for every second I am alive, I try to take nothing for granted (though, I still do), and I want to do as much good as I can and get everything possible out of this life because I am counting on nothing after my last breath.

Finding Fun and Inspiration in the Little Things

My daughter Neala (7 years old) and I agree that this advertisement is one of our favorites.  She loves the music and how real the water slide appears.  I love the subtle moments of humor and the sense of adventure captured in the whole experience.  What this ad really represents is a triumph of creativity.  The individual or team that conceived of and executed this commercial demonstrated what can happen when we stretch our thinking of what is possible.  As someone who loves seeing others at their creative best, this ad inspires me to push myself and others to dream beyond the easy places in our minds.

The Power and Wonder of Crushes

I am a romantic at heart and have developed a fascination with people having crushes.  A crush is someone you feel fondly towards before any mutual feelings start to be established.  I have no idea how many crushes I have had over the course of life, but it could be near triple digits.  Some have lasted as short as a few hours while others went on for weeks, months, or longer.  I have never successfully had a crush evolve into something further.  The women I was fortunate enough to find mutual attraction with seemed to like me first (I was often too stupid to notice).  I found the courage to share my feelings with the objects of a crushes about two dozen times without any success.  The experience of never having a crush reciprocated has left me curious and excited to see other people's crushes evolve into mutual attraction and eventual relationships. 

My crushes that were not acted on were left alone for an assortment of reasons.  Most of the short term crushes simply wore off as I learned more about the person that I did not like or did not fit me.  In some cases I have had crushes on people who were involved with someone else and would talk myself out of the crush.  There were a couple times where I went for it anyway and I shared my feelings with the unavailable, either being brave or stupid, but the results were always the same. The toughest situations were the longer lasting crushes where the hope of something more was present just enough to keep me interested and never enough for me to do something about it.

I am very familiar with the mixed emotions behind a crush.  The excitement that comes with finding someone interesting, the curiosity to learn as much as you can about them, the sense of possibility about what might happen, and the joy of each chance you get to spend time with that person.  The difficult other side of that coin is the wondering if that person could like you, the concern that each moment has a thousand times more meaning than it probably does, the loss of rational thought, and the waiting for a sign of something to happen either way.

I am not sure if I have had more or less crushes than most.  I have always had a natural curiosity about people and for a long time I had a deep unmet longing to be loved.  There are two people who had crushes on me and went for it, but I did not reciprocate.  I am pretty sure I was an ass in handling those moments and wish I could have done it differently.  I am grateful for the kindness of so many of the women who turned me down.  Many of these women went on to become my friends.

I do not regret taking a chance on the crushes I did, but my lack of success occasionally did harm to my self-esteem.  I sometimes wonder if there were crushes that I did not act on that had a chance of working out for a short while, if only to add a successful experience to my history.  I have also pondered if there were people who had crushes on me that I did not know about, and if there were, why did they not say something?  At the end of the day, I have no complaints.  I more than landed on my feet, my experiences have given me many interesting stories to tell, and I can now safely live vicariously through the crush experiences of others.

These Books Are Made For Walking

My weekday routine is pretty consistent.  Regardless of how long I have slept I wake up without the use of an alarm clock around 5:30 AM.  I make it into the community center a bit after 6:00 AM and start walking the fairly short indoor track.  It takes 11 trips around the track to equal one mile and I usually take just under 18 minutes to complete each mile.  On most days I walk 6 miles (66 laps) and I almost never miss a day.

These morning walks are an amazing part of my life.  I am someone who likes to have time to myself to think and each morning provides me exactly what I need.  Most days walking in circles with my thoughts does not fill the entire time (or even most of it) so I use three other methods to entertain and occupy myself as I pass the time.

1.  Music - I find music is best at the beginning or end of my walks.  Music is especially helpful when I have a lot on my mind.  There are a number of songs that automatically lift my spirits or allow me the space to connect my head and heart.  I will say more about music another day.

2.  Sports Podcast - This is cotton candy escapism that brings me pure pleasure.  My favorite is the B.S. Report with Bill Simmons.  This is supplemented by sports talk radio shows that I have missed on KFAN.  I am especially in a sporting mood around the NFL and NBA drafts or if my Minnesota teams are in the playoffs (which has been a while).

3.  Audiobooks - My real love each morning is listening to audiobooks.  I never really cared for pleasure reading until my mid-twenties when my thirst for knowledge drove me towards books.  I now listen to 12-15 books per year.  This past year was the first time I tried fiction books (I loved the Hunger Games and Dragon Tattoo trilogies), but my long standing interests include biographies, historic events, and intellectual books that challenge me to think differently about myself, others, and the world.  The fiction books were fun, but the non-fiction books bring me the greatest sense of happiness as I pass each morning hanging on the next discovery of new and interesting information.

I will use this blog to share the discoveries made in these books and the meaning making, reflections, and thoughts that follow.  I will also flashback to previous books as past discoveries and lessons find a way into my daily life.  My last four books were The Starfish and The Spider, Happier, The Gifts of Imperfection, and Steve Jobs.  I am currently listening to Life Itself: A Memoir by Roger Ebert.  You can expect a blog post in the near future about what I have discovered over the past week listening to this book.

On Love and Being a Parent

Until I had children I did not understand how special and unique the love is that parents can have for a child.  As strong as my love is for my children, I am still capable of being selfish and not always acting in their best interests.  Balancing my own selfish needs with the needs of my children is one of the most difficult parts of parenting.  It is equally difficult to balance my emotional needs with what is best developmentally for my kids.  When I am tired and have had a long day, I am not at my best as a parent.  In those moments their bad behavior, which is usually very developmentally typical, can cause me to respond in a way that is not very developmentally appropriate or helpful for them.  I am sure I am not the first parent to struggle in these areas.

I do wonder about parents who abandon their children or disown them for being LGBT.  Are these horrible unloving people who should be scorned by society (some days I think so) or are these folks who struggle with the same areas I do and have let their selfishness or some other issues like shame get in the way of their identity as a parent.  Each case is probably different, but I truly seek to understand how a parent could disown or abandon their child (note: putting a child up for adoption or living a part from a child due to parental separation is not abandoning, just walking away from your child's life without providing any support is abandoning).

A few times over the past couple years I have heard stories where physically healthy parents have taken their own life.  This seems impossible for me to understand on two levels.  First, anyone who has been trapped under water for even a moment knows how strong the survival instinct is in human beings.  Second, as a parent I cannot understand how you could do that to your children.  What I have come to believe is that depression must be one of the strongest forces on earth.  Any force that can diminish your survival instinct and override your commitment to your children is beyond my full comprehension.

I tell my children each day that I love them and make hugging and kissing them a priority.  I do this because it is impossible to protect your children from all danger, heartbreak, and pain.  You do your best and then just hope they avoid the worst of what the world has to offer.  In the end, the best you can do is fill your children with all the love and inner strength you can.  As biracial women in the United States of America it is likely my two daughters are going to face some unique challenges on top of the challenges others face.  I just hope my unconditional love will give them some additional strength to navigate the ups and downs that life will most certainly throw them.

My girls on the mini roller coaster at the Mall of America in May 2012.

Seeking Excellence, Not Perfection - Why This Title?

As a part of my job I have the opportunity to interview dozens of candidates for employment each year.  This past March I was in one such interview and a candidate, whose name I cannot remember (see note below), spoke very eloquently about how managers in our line of work need to seek excellence, not perfection from ourselves and the staff who work for us.  This really grabbed me at the time and has been a concept I have been trying to promote since for myself and others.  I would like to seek excellence as a student, parent, professional, friend, son, partner, neighbor, and citizen, but I am not perfect and will make mistakes in all of those areas.  I think it is important to be aspirational and that is why I like the word choice of excellence, but I also think true happiness involves showing yourself and others a great deal of grace for the mistakes that are certain to be made.  As for need to be perfect, Brene Brown notes in The Gifts of Imperfection:

“Perfectionism is a self destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”

By striving to be at our best by seeking excellence while being realistic about our likely failures and mistakes I believe we have the greatest opportunity to be both happy and successful.  So, that is where the title of this Blog comes from.

Note Below - It is very important to me that I give credit to other's ideas, words, and work when I can.  I have had weak moments in my younger years where I have used someone's material as my own in order to show off (usually the stealing of a good joke), but I believe I am mostly beyond that now.  Unfortunately, my memory is awful.  So, I often forget who said what or who actually came up with the remarkable ideas around me.  As a result, I often credit teams over individuals because I simply cannot remember who fostered the key ideas.  In this case, the idea to seek excellence, not perfection belongs to a candidate for employment that I cannot remember.  I hope she will accept this post as part of the credit she deserves and for all I know she passed it on during the interview after hearing it from someone else who did not receive the credit they deserved.  Such is life.

Did You Miss Something?

I love movies.  I have seen and own more than most people I know and fewer that true cinema buffs.  I frequently find that most people under the age of 40 have missed some pretty amazing and important films.  A full list would take too much time to pull together, but here is a list of five such films currently available on Netflix Streaming.

The Graduate (1967)
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
The Exorcist (1973)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Airplane! (1980)

Here is a famous and wonderful scene from the movie The Graduate:


I have also found that some fantastic films made in the 1990's have also been missed by many people because they do not run one weekend a year on TNT, USA, or some other cable network.  Again, each of these films is currently available on Nexflix Streaming.

Strictly Ballroom (1992)
In the Name of My Father (1993)
Sliding Doors (1998)
Very Bad Things (1998)
Being John Malkovich (1999)

I own nine of these ten movies on standard DVD (missing Airplane!).  If you have regular opportunities to interact with me, I would be happy to share any of these DVDs with you.