Who is Talking Behind My (and Your) Back?

My general assumption is that just about everyone I have had regular interactions with has talked behind my back at one point or another.  It also seems likely that some people, especially those who know me best and interact with me most, do it with some degree of regularity.  I would not always call it productive or an ideal situation, but I think it is something that people do more often than we think and I am far from panicked about it.

I hope talking behind my back has only been done maliciously in a few situations.  Most of the time I assume it is someone voicing a legitimate concern or frustration about me and that it helps the person feel better by communicating it to someone else.  I am human and make mistakes that impact other people.  I am not shy about speaking up and I am sure I say the wrong thing that ends up hurting someone more often than I realize.  My intentions towards others are generally good, but I am sure some of my actions sometimes run counter to my best intentions.  If you are looking for someone who can provide you with reasons for occasional disappointment and frustration, I am your man.  I also think I am not alone.

I am sure over time I have given people ample reasons to be frustrated and a healthy response to frustration is to share it with someone else.  In many ways, the best way to separate from the frustration is to talk about it.  While direct feedback can be helpful for some (I know I appreciate it), many people do not respond in a productive way to that type of communication.  For others, it is actually culturally disrespectful to be so forward with your concerns.  Even more challenging is that sometimes what frustrates us is when people fail to meet expectations that we have never communicated to them and providing feedback under those circumstance will usually blow up in our faces.

Even if talking behind someone's back is more common and reasonable than we want to acknowledge, I do think some approaches are better than others.  First, if you spend time trashing a number of different people in one sitting it usually puts the attention on your pettiness rather than your legitimate concerns.  Second, you want to be sure to vent to people who know how to keep their mouths shut.  The person in the department or friend group who shares all the best gossip with you is also sharing all your trusted words with other people.  Finally, if you get a reputation for talking down everyone around you it does not take a genius to figure out that those who you are complaining to are at the center of your wrath at your next stop.

In my best moments, those I talk about behind their backs are the objects of my words in an effort to let go of frustration or to seek understanding.  I have very few if any true frustrations with my friends and the people I work with.  I authentically care for them as people and hope for their happiness and success.  Sometimes my worst and most petty words come from exhaustion, stress, or a lower point in my self esteem.  I hope to keep those moments extremely rare and give the grace to others that I would like to receive myself.