The Trouble With Being Authentic

Until yesterday, I was certain that being authentic was a virtue to be admired and respected.  Lets be clear, I still value honesty and integrity in people.   I am not looking to be lied to, deceived, manipulated, or told only what I want to hear.  When you look up what it means to be authentic, the desirable words that come back are “real,” “genuine,” and “true.”  What challenged my thinking yesterday is the notion that someone can be authentic and still be harmful, hurtful, and destructive.  One person’s version of being authentic could lead to another person’s frustration or pain and damage their relationship.

I have recently read some books from the field of Behavioral Economics such as Thinking, Fast and Slow and Nudge.  They provide a fountain of foundational research on how the mind works.  In short, most of our automatic reactions to situations are based on habits that have been developed over significant periods of time.  These habits can sometimes be temporarily overcome by slowing down and being extra thoughtful in how we respond to situations, but our minds only have so much daily capacity to slow down and focus.  When the daily tank is empty or our required reaction time does not allow for thoughtful response, what we provide is an unfiltered and less thoughtful automatic and habitual response.  This is what many might call an authentic response.

The problem is that our authentic instincts are littered with damaging cognitive bias and polluted by habitual reactions developed during less mature, thoughtful, and understanding times in our lives.  Just because it is your authentic response does not mean it is appropriate or helpful.  In fact, I would argue based on issues of cognitive bias that the more measured and thought out your reaction or response, the better it will probably be.

Part of what convinced me that my own authentic response to situations may be lacking is the research that exists about the best way to respond to other people’s good news.  Studies indicates that most of our responses fall into one of four categories (see chart below).  The problem is that only one approach, Active Constructive, actually strengths a relationship between two people.  The other three approaches actually damage the existing relationship.  If you have ever had a great day at work or accomplished an important goal it is likely that you have shared that story with someone else and experienced one or more of the three undermining responses.  It is also likely that the response you received was authentic and the other person was unaware of the impact their response would have on you.  Until I learned this information about the best way of responding to good news, I am certain I frequently provided damaging responses.  Moving forward, even if it goes against my first authentic instincts, I intend to try to provide an Active Constructive response to good news as strengthening the relationships in my life is more important than sharing my habitual, and often unproductive, authentic responses.

Ways of Responding (S. Gable, et al)

Active Constructive Enthusiastic support, drawing out the speaker by asking questions and engaging positively about the good news. “That’s great news! Tell me more.”	Active Destructive Quashing the event, looking immediately for the negative or worst case situation. “That means more stress or new problems for you. I don’t envy you.”
Passive Constructive Quiet, low-energy support. “That’s nice.”	Passive Destructive Ignoring the event, changing focus to self. “Listen to what happened to me.”

I have recently come to understand based on research that while many of our behaviors and personality traits are habitual and stable, this does not mean they are completely static and impossible to change in the long term and overcome with extra effort in the short term.  In many cases, we are unaware of the ways our authentic self can be damaging to ourselves and others.  Another example of this for me is my reaction when my children engage in frustrating behavior.  My authentic and automatic response is to express and show my anger, but this is often the least developmental or productive response to the situation.  I am now committed in all environments of my life to understanding as deeply as possible the impact I have on others and when I discover that my authentic or automatic self is not working, I intend to invest some of my limited mental capital in trying to do it better until new more positive authentic habits can be formed.