Newtown: The Whole Conversation

Yesterday was an exceptionally difficult day.  Rarely have I felt such a range of powerful emotions over the course of a short period of time.  It started with shock and disbelief, quickly transitioned to tears and sadness, was followed by anger and frustration, and was topped off by love and compassion.  Since going down that emotional path, I have revisited each stop several times.

The visceral response to the Newtown mass shooting quickly connected to longstanding thoughts and emotions around the impact of guns in our culture.  Guns are the easiest and quickest thing to blame and that is where my energy went fairly quickly yesterday.  I was not alone.  My Facebook and Twitter feeds were filled with outrage, snark, disbelief, and anger about guns.  I even felt compelled to post on Facebook that I simply hate guns.  Today it seems that many people are hopeful and insistent that this incident will finally lead to a change in our gun laws, but I would suggest that is simply not enough.

Early last night my mind started to shift around what happened yesterday and so many days before it.  My friend and national higher education voice around masculinity Dr. Keith Edwards liked and shared a number of facts, opinions, and statements from others in his Facebook feed bringing attention to cultural norms and socialization around violence for men in this country.  This started off an avalanche of thought and exploration for me around this topic (another exciting Friday night).

I found many great sources, but the most helpful was an FBI overview of murders in 2010 (here).  It found that approximately 90% of murders where the assailant is known were committed by men.  Nearly 2/3 of those murders were committed with a firearms.  When it comes to sexual assault, the findings are once again stark:

Most perpetrators of sexual violence are men. Among acts of sexual violence committed against women since the age of 18, 100% of rapes, 92% of physical assaults, and 97% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men. Sexual violence against men is also mainly male violence: 70% of rapes, 86% of physical assaults, and 65% of stalking acts were perpetrated by men.

The same source also shared this finding, "access to firearms yields a more than five-fold increase in risk of intimate partner homicide when considering other factors of abuse."  The main problem here is sexual violence against anyone, but we know that women are disproportionally the targets.  Males are clearly responsible for the vast majority of this violence.  Guns appear to be like gasoline poured on a fire, making sexual violence more deadly and explosive.  

When it comes to the significant number of domestic mass shootings that I have seen in my lifetime, I did not need to do any research to know that they were committed by men.  I have seen their faces on my television year after year following each incident.  The original sin in all this is violence, not guns.  The super majority of violent sinners are male.  That is the conversation we need to have and based on my countless hours of television watching the last two days it is the conversation almost no one in the mainstream media seems to have found yet.

This is not to say that the rush to have gun conversations is unimportant or irrelevant.  In a strange move in order to prove that people, not guns, kill people, many in the pro-gun movement cited an incident in China yesterday in which a man slash and injured 22 children at a school (here).  The point being made seemed to be that getting rid of guns does not get rid of violence.  I could not agree more, but the key difference between what happened in China and Connecticut is the use of guns.  In China, one man was able to slash and injure 22 children, but killed no one.  In Connecticut, one man was able to kill 20 children and 6 adults.  The choice of weapon does matter, a lot.  Knifes can be used for deadly violence, but are highly inefficient, easier to defend against and flee, and easier to survive in mass situations.  Guns are more deadly, more efficient at killing, and more difficult to defend or flee.

A deadly combination in this country appears to be violence + men + guns.  I would also suggest the priority of conversations that we need to have should be in that same order or at least all happening at the same time.  Where does this violence come from?  How are we raising our boys and men? How does the culture, institutions, and media feed this connection?  I am sure violent movies and video games play some role, but I suspect it goes much deeper than that.  How do boys and men deal with conflict, emotions, and frustration? Do we allow men to be vulnerable and experience life outside of male gender norms?

As you can see, I have few answers.  I just want to be sure we are asking and talking about the right questions.  Where does this violence come from in our culture?  What is it about our culture that causes violence of all types and scale to be committed mostly by men?  As for guns, I think we should also ask questions about how they make violence more deadly, effective, and larger in scale.  The rush to conversation and possible action around gun control feels good, but if that is as far as we go, we probably will have done little to prevent mass shootings and other types of violent acts from being committed again in the future.

Seeking Control in the Strangest Places

Those who find significant elements of their lives to be out of control tend to seek control in some of the strangest places.  This is one of the most important personal and professional observations I have made over the last few years.  I have seen it at home, at work, in myself, and in others.  It is in these moments that the actions of the powerless become a confusing mystery to those unaware of what is really going on.

This truth has taught me to pause in the face of unexplainable controlling behavior and wonder compassionately what is going on for the other person.  Earlier in my life, when I saw someone holding on too tight over the smallest detail or trying in great desperation to control the actions of others, I use to only stand in judgement.  As hard as I now try to be compassionate and patience with those struggling with control, sometimes I fall short in this department.  It is not a lack of empathy or understanding for their situation, but an inability to see past the negative impact of their controlling behaviors on my life.  On my best days I try to remember what it is like to feel out of control and how irrational I have been in those moments.  I want to provide the compassion for others that I would want to receive myself.

My experiences with loss of control tend to come most in the area of parenting.  There are few aspects of life that can feel as out of control as trying to positively shape the lives of your kids.  When things are not going as planned or my patience is fried, I sometimes find myself in the midst of seeking to control some of the strangest things.  A normal moment of child resistance can turn into a battle royal.  I might try too hard to control the actions of a friend or someone at work.  I lose perspective in terms of meaning and importance in other areas of my life.

The next time you notice someone, including yourself, engaging in what seems like unexplained controlling behavior, you may want to pause and explore whether some other part of life is out of control.  There may be very little that can be done to help restore control, but at least we can show compassion and understanding, especially when the strange behavior is coming from ourselves.

Putting "Off the Record" On the Record

You may have heard (newspaper story here) that a couple of white students at the University of Minnesota Duluth posted an online video (below) of themselves wearing dark brown facial cream mimicking black racial stereotypes.  In emails to the newspaper the students claimed that the facial masks required being left on for twelve minutes and they made the video as a way to kill time.  One student noted, "This video does not define our true selves at all," while the other student said, "That video does not define who we are… it was accidental… we did not intend to hurt anyone with it."

White college students mimicking people of color with offensive racial stereotypes seems more common than ever.  A simple Google search of "college party black face" brings a flood of stories about this happening.  It would be easy to say all of these students are horrible racists and stop the conversation there.  While their behavior is no doubt racism in action, I believe there is something more happening here.

This country is plagued by a dirty little secret that happens far too often to be considered much of a secret.  When homogeneous groups of people with cultural power and privilege get together (white people, males, heterosexuals, people of financial means, etc.), they sometimes engage in "off the record" conversations, jokes, and mimicry of people of color, women, gays, and poor people respectively.  It takes on such forms as male locker room talk, the use of fake accents, and mimicry as seen in the video below.

Many of the people who engage in these "off the record" moments are very mindful and supportive of diversity when others are looking.  In fact, they might go so far as to be outraged or even confront offensive public comments made by others.  They would never want to see anyone they know or see be hurt by prejudice or oppression.  So, why do they engage in these types of "off the record" conversations?

Anyone who was born in and grew up in this country has been bombarded with racial, gender, class, and other stereotypes constantly since they were born.  These messages are conveyed through media, families, schools, religious institutions, workplaces, and peer groups.  Most of us are also slowly taught by the same environments and institutions that these messages are false and to respect all areas of human diversity, but unfortunely the negative reinforcement is often much stronger and more frequent.  By the time we reach young adulthood, most people are intellectually on board with, for example, racial and gender equality, but have been socialized with deep and often unconscious beliefs that people of color and women are inferior to whites and males respectively.

Holding these uncomfortable feelings back, which most people recognize is the right thing to do, takes a great deal of energy and work as they can slip out at unexpected times (cut off by somone in traffic, behind an "annoying" person in the checkout line, etc.).  In "safe" homogeneous environments, people relax their filters and these socialized feelings towards others tend to bubble out more freely and evolve into "off the record" conversations.  Even in these situations, some participants in "off the record" conversations feel uncomfortable with the conversation, but they believe everyone else is okay with it and begrudgingly go along for the ride.

As a straight, white, middle class, male I have had countless moments where someone with one or more matching identities has tested me to see if I am a safe person for them to have an "off the record" exchange with.  I have also seen these conversations break out in numerous environments and have reacted with both action and disappointing inaction.  As I reflect back on my life I also know that I have participated in more than a few "off the record" conversations, many of which I did not want to be a part of.

What these two women did in making this video was awful and they deserve to be held accountable for their actions by the school and society.  I am sure there are people of color, especially on that campus, who are rightfully frustrated, hurt, and without much room for forgiveness having seen this type of thing all too many times before.  That said, I think we must save some of our scorn for the culture at large that has done similar things, but is not foolish enough to videotape and post their "off the record" conversations online.  This includes many of us who claim to be "good people" who are deeply supportive of diversity and against discrimination and oppression, but sometimes look the other way or reluctantly participate in "off the record" moments.  To put all of the focus on how horrible these students are takes away any responsibility the rest of us might have to address roles we have played in the "off the record" conversations in our lives.